This Oughta Be Fun

The results of my first E2 level check for this FET cycle came in yesterday. It was supposed to be at least 50, but it was only 8.

So instead of stepping up to 2 estrogen patches, then 3, then 4, I'm going straight from 1 estrogen patch to 4 patches, plus oral estrace twice a day. R is already bracing for the hormonal moodiness that is bound to ensue. :-)

The blood draw was on Monday. It was kind of complicated, because I had one order from RE for the E2, another order from the PCP for a thyroid panel, and then vials for the communicables that needed to be drawn and spun but then shipped to RE rather than run by the lab. Plus, R was with me to contribute his 2 vials for the communicables as well.

I have to admit, I couldn't help but think "I hope this is the last time I have to do a draw for something other than one simple, straightforward order." I'm afraid to find out how the cycle turns out, but at the same time I'm also ready to move on.

Speaking of which, I held out for as long as I could, but I finally gave in today and called the adoption professional we're planning to work with if the cycle doesn't go well. I'm working on updating our profile. You know me - always a backup plan. I think I'm on Plan T at at this point...

T Minus 28

Assuming all goes well, I will be incubating four weeks from today. We booked our flights last night. Gulp.

I'm trying to be calm about this cycle, but it feels like there's so much riding on it. I looked at R last night and said, "You mean if this doesn't work, I'm just supposed to stop? Give up? Admit that I can't do this? That something 85% of the population has no problem doing (half of them without even trying or meaning to), I can't do it despite 9 years, 2 countries, half a dozen states, and who knows how many needles/cycles/procedures?"

Clearly I'm not good at accepting limitations.

R pointed out, though, that succeeding at incubating isn't the end goal and that we will still have other options to get to the end goal if that particular route doesn't work.

I saw my therapist today. Our next appointment will be exactly one week after transfer, assuming transfer occurs as scheduled. Even though that's a couple days before the first beta, I'm sure I will be peeing on a stick that morning, so I told her to be prepared.

She asked if I'd rather wait to see her until after the betas. Ha. I'm pretty much going to need to be camped out on her couch for about a week, so I scheduled another appointment for a couple days after the second beta.

I'm still not really letting myself process the grief about my dad yet. She pointed that out too, but surprisingly gave me a pass again this time.

But I can tell that it is slowly bubbling to the surface - after I left her office, I swung through a drive-thru to pick up dinner, and they were featuring a banana pudding milkshake. Banana pudding was my dad's favorite dessert (I made three huge pans of it - seriously underestimated how long it takes to cook 12 boxes of cook-and-serve pudding! - for the potluck reception after his services), so I ordered the shake. And then promptly burst into tears. But fortunately there were a couple of cars in front of me, so I managed to (mostly) pull myself together before I got to the cashier's window. Thank God for the trend of Jackie O-style sunglasses.