Beta #5 Coming Up

I'm trying to stay hopeful, but for no reason in particular, I haven't been feeling very optimistic today.

Actually, that's not true. I think the reasons I'm feeling discouraged are because I've spent entirely too much time with Dr. Google today. Pretty much everything I found when I searched for "pink* gray* tissue miscarriage" pointed to being fetal tissue, so I'm pretty sure we lost at least one. And my cervix feels a lot wider and softer whenever I put the suppositories in, which also does not seem to be a good sign.

Also, the achiness is still coming and going, I don't have any morning sickness, and I'm not feeling any of the other stretchy, weird, one-side-or-the-other kinds of feelings I was feeling up until a few days ago, which I assume were implantation and/or my uterus stretching.

On top of all that, I also saw plenty of stories where women saw heartbeats at 8, 9, 10 weeks or made it to 15 or 20 or 25 or 35 weeks and still went on to lose their baby/babies for one reason or another. And that's already happened to us once. So that just underscored the reality that even if everything looks good during the first ultrasound, every day of this is still a new, uncertain day.

On the bright side, I'm only spotting now, and it's mostly brown or very light pink.

I had called and left a message with the reproductive immunologist's office yesterday to see if I should stop the aspirin/Lovenox. A nurse called me back today and said to stay on those since the spotting is brown at this point, but stop them if it turns red again.

She also said they want another beta, even though RE's office said they'd rather not. So I have another stat order for an HCG and progesterone tomorrow. We'll see what happens.

And Sue, weren't you the one who told me to back away from the HPTs? :-) But to answer your question, I stopped on the way home from Friday's beta and bought another box of 2. The one I took when I got home looked very similar to the one before that - the test line was much darker and wider than the control line.

I have one more left, but I figure my levels would have to be down somewhere near 300 before I'd be able to tell the difference, and even if my levels are dropping, they probably haven't dropped that fast. So I'll try to hold off on the last one, at least for now.

I have to go get a RhoGham shot tomorrow morning. My best bet is to go to the ob/gyn I've seen in the past, but I had decided to switch to a different doctor this time around - a perinatologist one of my friends recommended. My first appointment isn't scheduled until 8/11, but I think I'm going to call them in the morning to explain the situation and see if they'll help me out. I'd just really rather not go back to the other doctor's office if I can avoid it.

And even though I'd really prefer to do the ultrasound as close to the end of next week as possible so that we have the weekend to cope if it's not good news, I think I'm going to see if I can get it moved up to 8/8, assuming that it appears we still have a reason to go to the appointment at that point.

Have I Mentioned I'm Not a Big Fan of Rollercoasters?

And yet, here we are.

I've never been one to define strapping myself into a cart, racing around a metal (or, scarier yet, wooden) track, and praying we don't derail as "fun". But at least that's over in the span of about 4 minutes.

Clearly, this "what the heck is happening inside my uterus??" rollercoaster is promising to be a much longer ride.

As bedtime approached last night, the achiness and kind-of-but-not-really-cramping feelings started to get quite a bit stronger, and the bleeding increased a little, although it still wasn't anywhere near full flow. The last time I went to the bathroom before bed (warning: TMI ahead), there was still the bright pink/red bleeding, but also a small, almost teardrop-shaped, smooth, grayish/pinkish blob of some sort.

It was only about half an inch long, and I didn't poke at it. I don't think it was a clot, because those are usually dark red/purple and sponge-like, and this was neither of those things. Maybe it was a gestational sac? Although it didn't look transluscent, which is how I've seen gestational sacs described. Maybe it was part of the placenta?

Whatever it was, as soon as it passed, the achiness really started to ease up, and by morning it was completely gone. The bleeding seems to be slowing as well, and now it's a light pink/brown combination rather than bright pink/red. It hasn't quite slowed to the point that I would call it spotting, but I'm hoping it will get there soon.

In the meantime, I'm still laying here in bed, and poor R is running up and down the stairs bringing me food, doing laundry, etc.

All we can do is wait. And see what the next bend in the track brings.

Beta #4

Well. 2,091 - a doubling time of 44 hours. P4 and E2 in normal range, though I really would have preferred the P4 to be higher than 7.5.

So we wait. And I lay in bed. Or is it lie? I could never keep the rules around that one straight. The nurse said she'd rather i stay in bed than get up to get another beta, so another one isn' t on the schedule at this point. If the bleeding changes significantly, then a repeat beta may be ordered.

Today's beta means I'm still nursing a thread of hope. The continuing bleeding means it is a very frayed thread. Let's hope this is just an initial, isolated bump in the road and isn't indicative of what the next 8 months are going to be like...

Bleeding

There's bleeding.

Not full flow, but certainly more than spotting. Bright pink at first with no tissue, now bright pink mixed with brown and a little bit of tissue.

I had blood drawn this morning for P4 and E2, and it started a couple hours after that. I called the clinic and spoke with a nurse, so she called the lab to see if they could add an HCG. I'm assuming they could, since she hasn't called me back to tell me to go in and get drawn again.

I'm now officially on full bed rest, only supposed to get up if I have to go to the bathroom. And when you're constantly thinking about going to the bathroom, and what you're going to see when you do, it feels like you have to go every 20 minutes or so. (No, I'm not actually getting up that often.)

I know what everyone says about SCH, and the nurse said it's a possibility, but I'm not hanging my hat on that. My symptoms were less on Thursday (nausea, having to go to the bathroom frequently), and today they're non-existent except for the thinking-about-having-to-pee situation.

I just want to know, one way or another. I suppose if the beta is significantly below 664, we'll know. But the nurse also warned that the number might not tell us a lot - if it's higher than 664, we won't necessarily know if it's on its way up or down. She also mentioned the possibility of both of them starting to take and one not continuing on. So I may have to get blood drawn for a 5th time on Sunday.

And, since that isn't enough fun, I also have to arrange for a RhoGham shot within the next 72 hours.

Calmer...(For Now, Anyway)

You guys are awesome! I've been checking in on the comments all day, and they really do help make me feel better. I couldn't ask for better virtual hand-holders than all of you. :-)

The last time I saw any sort of spotting was that 4 a.m. trip to the restroom. There was a tiny little bit of staining around noon, but that looked like what I've been seeing for the past week, so I chalked it up to cervical/vaginal irritation.

I still haven't been quite as bloated today, and I haven't had some of the uterine sensations I've been having, but I keep trying to remind myself that I won't have every single symptom to the same degree every single day.

And, I think the morning sickness kicked in this morning. I felt a little bit of nausea yesterday morning, but I wasn't sure if it was the real thing or just nerves over beta #3. This morning, even though there was the spotting, I knew it wasn't nerves.

It was great - it lasted most of the day. Never have I been so thrilled to feel not well... :-) So I'm hoping for more of the same tomorrow morning.

I also keep trying to remind myself that in most of the other pregnancies where the end began with bleeding, the bleeding didn't stop once it started. There was only one other one (my first pregnancy) where I spotted on and off for about 5 days before it was clear that it wasn't just normal pregnancy spotting. So if the intermittent spotting continues, hopefully I'll become a little less uptight about it at some point.

On the other hand, I spoke last night with an IRL friend who has struggled with infertilty for longer than average and is now going to be delivering twins in a couple weeks. I'm changed things up this time and scheduled the appointment with her ob, who is a peri. (Apparently I'm hoping some of her luck rubs off...)

My friend told me that when it came time to get in the car and go to the first ultrasound, she told her husband she just couldn't do it - she was too afraid and anxious. He was able to coax her into the car, and then she said she stood there in the parking lot and couldn't bring herself to walk into the building. She eventually went inside, and then when she got on the u/s table, she cried and cried and cried - too hard for them to do the scan until she was able to calm down.

I said, "Oh, good, they've seen that before. So they won't be surprised if I do the exact same thing!"

The u/s is scheduled for Thursday, Aug. 11 - two weeks from tomorrow.

I made the appointment, I still have the appointment, but that is as far as I have allowed myself to come. The receptionist told me she would e-mail me a new patient packet that I need to fill out and that I also need to arrange to have records from RE and former OB sent over. I haven't received the e-mail, and I haven't called her to tell her that or called RE/former OB to get records sent over.

I'll get to the first part of next week and then see if I'm ready to take those steps. Just scheduling the appointment felt like a risk - I'm not yet up to anything more than that.

I could make it easier by going to the local RE who handles my monitoring. I'm already an established patient there, and I wouldn't have to get any records transferred. But somehow, I just don't want to.

When we walked out of the clinic after the transfer, I told myself that whichever way this goes, I am no longer an infertility patient for the foreseeable future. I won't totally rule out me doing another transfer at some point down the road, but not as our next step. So I guess I just don't want to hop back into the stirrups as an infertility patient with someone who was actually my very first RE in this whole process and has known me throughout the journey.

Apparently, I'd rather spread around to strangers the fun of dealing with the completely hysterical mess that tends to be me on ultrasound day...

Uh-Oh

Typing from Nook at 4 a.m., so this will be short.

Had dinner, fell asleep for a couple hours, came upstairs to go to bed. Felt a couple sharp pains right before bed. Didn't like them but decided not to worry.

Didn' t have to get up to go to the bathroom for 4.5 hours. Told myself not to worry (should have been only 3 hours) even though I had a lot to drink last night.

Got up to let the dogs out, went to the bathroom.

There is spotting again. But this time, it doesn't look like the staining type of spotting I've been seeing, it looks like the bad kind. And now there's a pain on the left side of my ute area that I don't like.

I got cocky yesterday and scheduled the first u/s after getting the beta results. Ha!

Now I'm worried.

Which Path Will It Be? (aka Beta #3)

664. A doubling time of 38.06 hours.

Huge sigh of relief.

So for now, we are still on this path and will see where it takes us.

I will post more later, but wanted to put up the result and say thank you again to all of you for your support. I will continue to need virtual hand-holding, I'm sure. :-)

Slowly Losing My Sanity

So, since it appears the HPT line has gotten as dark as it's going to get, do you think it's an unreasonable approach to start timing how quickly it gets dark as a measure of whether the beta is still rising or not?

I'm only half kidding.

I just did yet another HPT. (I believe this is #9.) Now I'm checking to make sure the line doesn't start to get more faint.

Once again, thank you for all of your supportive comments. You're what's keeping me still a semblance of sane right now.

Here's how the last 24 hours have gone:

I did some more research yesterday (surprise, I know!) and found a lot of places that said 48-72 hours is a normal doubling rate. I read, and re-read, and re-read all of your comments.

I start to feel better.

I get an email from my regular nurse this morning: "Congratulations!! So far, I think it looks fine..."

I feel better still.

I can't leave well enough alone.

I e-mail her back: "So you don't think it's a problem that it didn't double?" She responds: "Yes, if it had doubled it would be a better sign..." She went on to say it was still a "normal increase" and that the first beta was "very good".

I fixate on "if it had doubled, it would be a better sign".

Hope fades.

The day progresses. I don't have any spotting.

Hope starts to rise again.

Then I start to worry that perhaps the lack of spotting is a bad sign. (Only in my completely screwed up brain, I know...)

Hope fades.

I realize that I am having to go to the bathroom more than usual today. This is usually a good sign for me.

I start to feel more encouraged.

Reading an article online, I come across a reference to a book called 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food. It's written to help emotional eaters. I'm doing pretty well at not doing a lot of emotional eating, I lie to myself (as I'm eating a bowl of cookies n cream frozen yogurt). I check out the book on Amazon to see what kinds of reviews it gets.

Some achey, not quite crampy, feelings begin. I start to get the physical feelings I get when I'm about to start my period. I remind myself that I had those same feelings at the beginning of the last week, too.

I hope that this is a good sign. I worry that it's not.

I decide to check to see if there is any bleeding and do another HPT. (The last one I have in the house.)

There is no bleeding, no spotting.

The line comes up on the HPT faster than it ever has - a lot faster than the control line. (This is when the stopwatch test idea enters my mind.)

I look at the line. Ok, it's dark, but it's not quite as dark as the last one I did. I can't remember exactly when I did the last one. Maybe Saturday morning.

I think maybe not enough time has passed. After all, it's only been about 20 seconds.

I write this post.

I go back to check on the test. It turns out, the line can get even darker. But the control line on this one is a lot fainter than the control line on the last one. This one and the last one are out of the same box, shouldn't the control line be similar between the two?

Still, I can't help it - hope rises a little bit that maybe this darkest yet line means that everything is still on track.

Beta #3 (and a repeat progesterone, at my insistence, even though the last one was fine) will be tomorrow morning. (Silver - the first two draws were at 8:30 a.m. This one is scheduled for 8:15. But I appreciated the idea you had... :-) ) I will ask them not to call until the end of the day, because I have meetings all day.

I need to buy the 50 Ways book - I have to figure out a way to keep my sanity in check.

I hope R hasn't eaten the last of the fro yo.

Beta #2

Once again, there are tears. Lots and lots of tears. And they're not happy tears.

It's not horrible, but it's not great either. It only rose to 277, so it didn't double.

The nurse who called is one I've never spoken with before. She said it only rose by 53%, they were concerned, and I'd have to get a repeat beta on Tuesday. When I pointed out that 149 doubled equals 298, so 277 couldn't bethat far off, she argued with me at first but then finally relented and went to ask someone else.

It's actually a rise of 86%, a doubling time of 53.66 hours. And when I look in the Beta Base calculator, the average for a singleton at 16dpo is 206 overall, 202 for the 33-37 age range.

So why am I so darn upset? I don't know, but I am. R has put a tissue box on one side of me, and an adorable, fluffy cat on the other. Normally she's a grump, but she rises to the occasion when I have moments like this.

I have a 14-page paper due in 9 hours. I've barely started. I can write fast, but even so, I don't think it's going to happen...at least, not by the deadline.

Beta #1...

...is finally here.

149.

So, much, much better than the 11 we had last year. It's higher than average for a singleton on the Betabase chart (102 is average overall, 99 for my age range), but below average for twins (206, 209 for my age range). So who knows? But for now, at least one has started to take, so I'm going to just enjoy that.

I mentioned the bleeding to both the RI's nurse and the nurse who called with my beta, and both seemed to think it's the suppositories that are causing the bleeding. I've stayed in bed as much as possible today, and there hasn't been much bleeding, so I'm still calm.

The conversation with my boss went well; she was very understanding, so I'm just going to work from home next week.

Hopefully Sunday's number will double. For now I'm trying to decide if I should test again tonight or make myself wait all the way until tomorrow morning. :-) This morning's test looked pretty much the same as last night's, but then again there was only about 9 hours between the two.

I figure that at some point, the line just can't get any darker. But I may wind up with a countertop covered in tests while I check out that theory...

More Testing, More Spotting

Thank you for all of the encouragement and support. I didn't post again last night because I wound up waiting until this morning to retest. The line was significantly darker.

Hope rose.

Then before I left work this evening, I went to the bathroom. And there was a fair amount of reddish orange blood covering some of the surface of the pantyliner, and more when I wiped. (Sorry, I know, TMI.) And I'd been achy again.

I had an acupuncture appointment right after that, and as soon as I laid down, the achiness eased up.

I stopped on the way home and bought 4 more tests. Tonight's test is darker than this morning's, just barely lighter than the control line. (I haven't taken photos yet, but I will.)

I will be testing again tomorrow morning. :-) Beta draw is at 8:30 PT.

On the advice of an IRL IF friend, I'm going to get into bed and stay there as much as possible for the foreseeable future. I wasn't going to say anything to my boss (we're not in the same state, so we don't see each other, just communicate via e-mail and phone), but I think tomorrow I'm going to tell her what's going on and tell her I'm going to work from home indefinitely. (My phone number on caller ID and dogs barking in the background give away my location, so I can't just pretend I'm in the office and not tell her...) She doesn't know anything about our IF/adoption history. Let's hope that goes well.

Pictures, and Spotting

Here's the first picture from last night. It was difficult to get the line to show up in the photo. I don't know if you'll be able to see it or not, but it's definitely darker than it appears in this picture.



I did the EPT last night right before bed, and for the first time ever on an EPT, it said:



So, yea hurray. Last year, I still got a "not pregnant" on an EPT from the same box when my beta was at 45, so I'm assuming this means the hcg level was at least 50 last night.

Today was fine, but then on the way home from work I started feeling some achy pains. I wouldn't say they would qualify as crampy, but still, I think I'd prefer to feel nothing at all at this point.

When I got home, I put in another suppository, and there was a fair amount of light pink. I would like to think it's just because the suppositories (they're tablets, not the waxy kind of suppositories) are irritating my vaginal lining. However, it had been 10 hours since I'd put in the last one, so I don't think the bright pink could have been from that. And I'd be surprised if that much bleeding happened that quickly from the suppository I had just put in.

I laid down for a while after that, and the aching stopped. But then when I got up and went downstairs for dinner, it started back up again. It's still going on.

I had promised myself I wouldn't POAS again until tomorrow night, but now I think I'm going to be chugging some water and doing an "is it darker, is it not?" line comparison tonight.

I want some indication of which way this is going, but I'm not freaking out. I'm just resigned at this point - either it's going to work or it's not, and if it doesn't, it doesn't, and we move on.

Or at least, that's what I keep telling myself.

So, I Tested

During last year's FET, I tested at this point. It was a Monday night, and the first offical beta was on Thursday morning. There was no line on Monday night. Not even a hint of one. And it wasn't until Wednesday night - 12 hours before beta - that if I held that night's test literally right next to a lightbulb and squinted really, really hard, that I could barely see what had to be the faintest line ever.

Here we are again at that same point - Tuesday night, with the first beta scheduled for Friday. I was really, really tempted to test last night, but R talked me out of it.

Tonight, I decided to just rip the band-aid off. I told myself that I would stop looking at the test as "positive" or "negative" because, well, "negative" just has such a negative connotation to it, and making it so black-or-white was just adding to the stress.

So I told R I would look at it differently - the result will just be a road sign giving us an indication of our path, nothing more. Nothing super final. One line = the road sign is pointing toward adoption, two lines = the road sign is pointing toward seeing where my uterus takes us in this process.

I tested. I set it on the floor in the water closet. I opened the door to check on it twice within the first 30 seconds.

I didn't see a second line.

I decided to forget patience and just picked the thing up and stuck it on the sink counter. And then I looked again. A full minute hadn't even passed yet.

And there is a second line.

And I don't have to hold it directly next to a light bulb to see it. I don't even have to squint. It's there.

It was a FRED. I have a couple of EPTs, which have never, ever been kind to me. They always show up with "not" before "pregnant", even when I had a beta of 45.

So tonight (if my bladder is full enough) or tomorrow morning, I'm going to try an EPT and see what it says. And if the darn thing finally leaves off the word "not", I will take a picture and post it.

I took a picture of tonight's test with my cell phone, but it didn't turn out well enough. I'm going to go grab the regular digital camera; maybe that will work better. Because I think for once it's a line that might actually show up in a photo.

We're not overly excited. At all. In fact, we looked at the test, said "Okay," and then left to go grocery shopping.

But I am going to enjoy this (apparently in a very unexcited way) for every moment, regardless of how many (or how few) moments it lasts. And be a little, little bit happy that at least in one tiny part of the process, it seems I can actually count on my body to work correctly, at least for a little while - this is the 5th treatment cycle in a row where we've gotten a positive. Now if only we can get it to stick for another 8 months this time...

'You're Up and You're Down'

My mood - and degree of hope - is a bit like a Katy Perry song at this point. But thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. You're helping keep me sane. Well, I suppose that word is relative at this point, but you know what I mean... :-)

I've managed to make it this far without testing. I was tempted this morning, but I talked myself out of it.

Friday night, we were laying in bed watching TV, and I began to feel something kind of like a kitten very gently kneading inside my uterus. I refused to get up for fear of disturbing anything that might be happening, so I took off my contacts in bed and made R take them into the bathroom to clean them. (The things that man has done for me these last 9 years!)

There haven't been any other consistent sensations, just an occasional twinge here or there. When I feel one, hope surges. When the twinge doesn't continue, hope fades.

This afternoon, I was feeling really sleepy. I know the progesterone supps cause that, but still...like I said, up and down, up and down...

I need to stop at the store and stock up on some FREDs, so I'll probably do that on the way home from work tomorrow. My guess is that's about as long as my willpower will hold out.

Feeling...Nothing

Two days post-transfer, and there's no implantation spotting (the one time I want to see a little bit of bright pink on tp, and where the heck is it?!), no pinchy implantation cramping, nothing.

For the two FETs I did that made it to at least 6 weeks, I had a tiny bit of implantation spotting within 24 hours of transfer. For the 1 FET that was negative and for last year's FET that was pretty much over as soon as it began, there was no spotting.

I always have implantation pinching/cramping, always. Last year, it was less than I would have liked, which is probably related to the fact that it ended so early.

So I am bummed.

And then I had a dream last night - R and I were in a room somewhere (blank white walls, nothing to distinguish it), and then we got the call from the nurse: BFN. After that, I walked out into a hallway, and there was Kerry Vi.ncent (of the Food Network's "Challenge" show) saying in her signature disdainful tone, "I don't know what you were thinking..." and shaking her head at me. (As in, "I don't know what you were thinking by hoping this would work.")

But then again, we've done everything different this cycle - different supression protocol, different acupuncturist, different immune treatments, staying at a different hotel, different RE did the transfer (Sur. - he was very nice), different number of embryos, etc. And if this works, I'm going to use a different ob/gyn this time, too.

So maybe this is just one more thing that's different, and it'll lead us to a different outcome. Because as R pointed out: "You may have spotted, and you may have cramped, but look how that turned out in the end."

They're On Board

I'm officially incubating. We transferred two Day 5 blasts: both survived the thaw, both were 100% re-expanded without losing any cells, and both had hatched. It was a different RE than our regular one who did the transfer. He was very nice and said blasts couldn't get any more perfect than that. Hopefully "perfect" = "they'll stick around."

I was too stressed about this to sleep much last night - I tossed and turned for all but about 2 hours. Finally around 6 a.m. I decided I might as well do something helpful and productive, so I got up and went to the hotel fitness center to walk/run (mostly walk) on the treadmill. That helped calm me down and made me feel stronger. Note to self: Must exercise more often.

I teared up a couple of times while we were at the clinic, but surprisingly I don't actually cry. I was quite proud of myself for that. :-)

Of course, the valium might have had something to do with it. I don't remember it having much of an effect on me last time, but this time it almost put me to sleep. I'm still feeling very zen - we'll see how long that lasts.

So, do you think tomorrow is too soon to start testing?

It's a Go!

The repeat blood draw at the other lab came back at 0.2, so RE's office says the cycle is still on. I still had a small bit of doubt, because how do we know it's the first test and not the second that's wrong?

But then I called the place that ran the first test (it was a local RE's office), and they were great. They got someone on the phone with me right away, and she explained that their office uses a different assay than the other lab, so in their lab anything less than 6 is equivalent to 0.5. So she was also very confident that I hadn't ovulated and that it was fine to proceed.

Why their results sheet doesn't make that clear, I don't know. And she said that our RE's office should know the less-than-6 rule, because they do monitoring for a lot of our RE's patients. The nurse at RE's office said she had never heard of that, but as long as everyone is in agreement and there is a valid explanation, I'm not going to have any "what if's" lingering in my mind over this.

So that was great news. Then the IVIg infusion coordinator called and said "um, I just checked in with your insurance and there's been a change...call me back."

I was afraid she was going to say they reviewed the preauth again and denied it. If so, we'd be paying about $3,500 out of pocket.

Well, it's going to be $3,000, but for a different reason. When she originally got the authorization, it was in May. My company's benefit year runs from June 1-May 31, so this year's benefits took affect on June 1, which means a new, $3,000 out-of-pocket requirement before insurance will start covering anything.

Fortunately, last fall when we signed up for R's benefits (which run from Jan.-Dec.), we knew we'd be doing IVIg and figured it wouldn't be covered, so we did the maximum contribution to his FSA account. So while we'll have to pay out the $3,000 up front, we'll be able to get it back pretty quickly through that.

Now that we're sure we're going to the clinic, I've got to figure out a place for us to stay. We're both going to be working all week, so we were hoping to get a 1-bedroom suite for the separate spaces while we're both on calls.

However, something major must be going on in Denver next week, because we can't find even one hotel anywhere vaguely near the clinic that has anything other than a studio available. (Well, maybe we could if we were willing to spend $300-$400 a night, but that's just not in the budget.)

Wish me luck, in more ways than one. :-)

Possibly Canceled, and Another Surprise

So, it seems that every time I move an inch closer to the finish line, it moves an inch farther out. Or, in this case, possibly a month.

My progesterone level is never, ever, ever above 0.5 during CD21 tests in a natural cycle. Except during last year's transfer, when it was slightly above 1 and caused the transfer to be moved up a day.

And this morning, when it was above 2. It would figure - the two times my body works like it's supposed to is when we're trying to do a transfer.

RE's office thinks maybe there was just a lab error, so I had to get redrawn this afternoon. We'll find out tomorrow. If it wasn't, the cycle has to be canceled, because it's too high to know for sure when it started to rise, so they wouldn't know with confidence which day to do the transfer.

I'm scheduled to have IVIg on Saturday, and our flight is scheduled for Sunday night.

I was on a bcp/lupron overlap protocol. Both of those things are supposed to prevent ovulation, aren't they (indirectly in lupron's case)? So that's what makes RE's office think it was a lab error.

Still, not great news.

But I had plans to have dinner with a former co-worker, and I was looking forward to that. She's a couple years older than me and also has no kids due to fertility, so she can relate. Except, it turns out, now she's 13 weeks pregnant.

I tried my best to put on a happy, excited face for her. But I'm afraid it probably wound up looking more like a "Seriously, universe?? How many more I-can't-get-pregnant-but-oh-look-now-I-am announcements are you going to send my way?" face.

On the bright side, at least I managed not to cry.

An Honor (and Trying Not to Hyperventilate)

I was going to lead with a title like "We've Been Chosen", but given that you'd probably think it was related to adoption, I didn't want to be deceptive. Nor do I want to jinx us...

So, you're wondering, what is this honor? Well, we actually have been chosen (in a manner of speaking) by a couple who thinks we'd make good parents. R's best friend and his wife approached us a couple of months ago to ask us if we'd be willing to be legal guardians and take custody of their son if something (heaven forbid) should ever happen to both of them.

But they also mentioned that they were considering several other people as possible guardians, so when we didn't hear anything more about it, we assumed they'd chosen one of their other options. Then a few days ago they called to tell us that they'd made a decision, and it was us.

I have to admit, even though this is a situation where of course we hope we will never gain custody of the child involved, it still felt really nice that they chose us from among all of their options. We are truly honored.

We also have to figure out how to hang out with a 7-year-old. R hangs out with his best friend and their son frequently, so he's comfortable with R. We also spend time as a fivesome doing various things (including weekend trips), but his parents suggested that it would be good for the two of us to spend an afternoon with him (just the three of us) every once in a while. I have to admit, I had a fleeting moment of "What if he thinks we're boring/lame/hates us?" But he's a great kid, so I know it'll be fine.

That's actually not what's creating the hyperventilating. The transfer is in 10 days. Beta is in 19 days (or maybe 20, depending on how I feel about the 22nd at that time). In less than three weeks, we'll know the outcome of step 1. And then be plunged into the unknown of step 2, because either way, it's an unknown. Even if we get to step 2 of a pregnancy (meaning the day after beta), that doesn't guarantee the next day, or the day after that.

As I write this, it's just dawning on me what's causing the hyperventilating. I was thinking that coming face-to-face with the beta results - the answer to which path we'll be going down for step 2 - was what was causing it. But I think it's really the unknown of step 2, regardless of which path it is, that's bothering me.

Have I mentioned that I'm not a big fan of uncertainty and unknowns?