This is Hard (And, Gender Revealed)

The roller coaster continues.

Things looked great at our most recent appointment on Thursday afternoon. This afternoon, I wound up having to page the doctor on call because I'm concerned I may be leaking amniotic fluid. The doctor is concerned enough that she is having me come back in on Monday morning.

First, our Thursday appointment - Kiddo looked good, and was moving around and active. It is amazing how arms and legs go from being little stubs to looking like they are one long bone to two bones with a connecting joint in between, all in just a few brief weeks. The growth is amazing.

Arms and legs weren't the only thing we were able to see. Kiddo cooperated with giving us good views this week, and I was brave, so we found out.

We (ok, I) told a couple of people, but overall, we're still holding off on telling most people in our offline world, including our parents. But all of you have been so great at holding my hand, and I trust you to keep the secret, so:

Kiddo is a boy!

We knew that we had either 8 or 9 male embryos left, and only 3 or 4 females. So it wasn't really a surprise, more of a confirmation of what we expected.

If you're sensing a lack of enthusiasm in my words, please know that it has nothing to do with Kiddo himself. It's just that every time I start to let myself relax a little, things get scary again. And we still have a really long way to go since today is only 15 weeks. I'm just tired. Tired of this being so hard.

I finished weaning from progesterone last weekend. My levels had been in the upper 20s. It was rechecked on Thursday, and I got the results yesterday - 19.7. The clinic prefers it to be 20 or above, but the nurse said 19.7 was close enough and that I was officially released from their care.

With Miss A, my numbers were slightly lower and the reproductive immunologist had me go back on the suppositories for a few weeks. I decided that since I was close to 20, I would not freak out about it but would just ask the RI for an order to recheck the level again at the beginning of next week.

I don't think that progesterone necessarily has anything to do with the potential issue that arose today. It's just one more thing, and I'm really ready to be done with "one more thing".

This afternoon, I laid down to take a nap, and I realized my jeans were wet. Not so wet that liquid could be wrung out of them, but definitely far more than damp. And it wasn't just one small spot, it was a couple inches down both of the inner thigh areas, too.

I've read that amniotic fluid has an ammonia-like smell. Whatever the fluid is, it didn't seem to smell like that, but it also didn't smell like urine.

I've also read that a subchorionic hematoma, especially a large one which is what mine was, can cause water to leak or break early. The doctor on call, who is the other doctor in the practice, confirmed that is true. She said that odds are it's not amniotic fluid leaking, but it could be.

She also said that I could go to the ER if I wanted, but that they would keep me in the ER and not send me to L&D since I'm not yet 20 weeks. She also mentioned that an ER ultrasound tech is unlikely to be able to tell us anything other than whether there's a heartbeat, because they are not as likely to be well versed in what a normal vs. abnormal level of amniotic fluid looks like. So I don't think we'll go to the ER unless I start to leak heavily or gush.

I know there are still a lot of reasons to be positive. This may not even be amniotic fluid at all.

I just want it to be July already, for Kiddo to be here, safe and healthy, in our arms.