November 06, 2004

In an Unexpected Place

I’m not quite sure how the hell I wound up here.

In this place of perpetual sadness. In this place where pure, unadulterated jealousy makes me want to spit at every pregnant woman I see. In this place where my husband stands there, constantly watching for signs that all the pain and frustration and hopelessness are finally going to make me implode.

R and I started out in that happy place where all couples begin when they’re first trying to start their families. We naively thought this would be easy. We even planned what month we would conceive, when we would make the announcement to our parents that they are grandparents-to-be, what birthstone the baby would have. (Think amethyst - I love purple.)

Of course it would work that way. Why wouldn’t it? After all, that’s just the way the universe revolves, right? And besides, I’d spent eight years on birth control pills, certain that if I forgot to take one tiny little pill, we’d wind up with a house full of kids overnight.

Yeah, well. Three canceled IUIs, one joyous pregnancy followed by a pre-Mother’s Day miscarriage 15 days later, one more canceled IUI, and four completed but failed IUIs later, there we were last week. Ready to move on to IVF.

Then the news came. High percentage of sperm DNA fragmentation = baaaaad, low percentage = good. It’s the one time a sperm-related number being low is good. And R’s sperm showed an extremely high amount of fragmentation, more than double the amount that is considered acceptable.

So now we’re on a doctor-ordered nine month break to see if things can be improved on the sperm front. It’s not our only IF problem, it’s just the latest one.

But I refuse to wait 18 or 20 or 24 more months to become a mom if I can help it. So we’re moving on to adoption.

And now here I stand, in a place that I wouldn’t have expected to find myself even just a week ago. But finally, God willing, it’s a true path to motherhood.

1 comment:

Mo and Will said...


Wow. Lots of options. But then at the same time, not so many - or no easy ones. Will and I have felt the same way - particularly after our fifth loss.

I've been following you awhile, but can't remember all of the details - can you refresh us? You've lost 6 pregnancies - how many had genetic testing? Were some determined to be chromosomally normal? Have you lost any of those while being treated for the Factor V and thyroid conditions? If you don't know that you've lost pregnancies to nonchromosomal issues while being treated for the thyroid/factor V, then I still think carrying on your own might be your best shot. I've been looking through the blog but not seeing how many normals you've got banked at ccrm, but I remember thinking it was a lot - it was a number I was really impressed with, a number that gives you some options. If you can stomach it, I think trying again and transferring two - while throwing all the autoimmune stuff at it too - might be the way to go.

on the GC front: Someone I know just used a GC carrier + donor egg here in NYC and the total cost, including GC and surrogacy and lawyer, and travel costs for both donor and GC, etc...was $80k. Which is a ton, I know. But since you'd be cutting out the out of town donor part, I would think it could be a lot less. It would still be a huge cost, but wanted to tell you it might be closer to your lower end...which might help with the decision? not sure. but I always find that information helps.

And yeah, international adoption...we've leaned that way too, and get all mired in the problem that I had the misfortune of cancer in my 20s, which is just a total dealbreaker for some countries and that we've been to therapy, which is also a total dealbreaker in others, even though I think it makes a stronger better couple and better individuals... international appeals most to us too out of the adoption options, because i don't think I can survive thinking I'm getting a baby and then not...

so tough and no easy answers for you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

we're all here and ready to help you wade through the decisions and figure out where to go from here.

I just wish it were easier.