September 29, 2006

What to Say?

I’ve been a bad blogger lately, I know. I could use the excuse of the new house and new position at work, and that would be true. (The only reason I’m getting a few minutes of uninterrupted time on the computer now is because R left early this morning to go meet the painter at the new house. Otherwise, after two minutes he’d be scolding me to go pack something or do something else move-related, which I am so not in the mood to do even though I should.)

But the other reason I haven’t been blogging is that I’ve simply been trying to avoid facing infertility altogether. Kind of difficult to do in some ways, I know, given that I’m sticking needles in my backside every night. But it feels like I just don’t have the energy to face it anymore. It’s been 3 ½ years, and I’m tired.

I’m scared, too. You’d think I’d be on cloud 9 given what is about to follow, but I’m not. I’m just scared. The FET, like our fresh cycle this summer, went even better than we could have imagined. Two blasts were thawed, and both survived. The embryologist described one as “spectacular” and the other as “very good.” Doc asked her if he should talk with us about thawing and transferring a third one, and she told him absolutely not. When he did the actual transfer, he was able to see the exact spot he wanted to put them in, and he was incredibly happy with how that spot looked. So happy that I seriously thought he might start jumping up and down around the room after it was done.

My NK cell level was retested after the infusion, and the fat cells seem to have done their job – the level dropped from 13.9 percent to 8.6 percent. The clinic wants it to be less than 10 percent, so I’m in the right range.

So now we’ve transferred two embryos that probably couldn’t be any more perfect and placed them on a lining that probably couldn’t be any more perfect. I’m on metformin to address the PCOS hormone imbalance, low-dose aspirin and Lovenox to address the blood clotting mutations, steroids and fat cell infusions to address the immune issues, antibiotics to prevent any possible post-transfer infection and estrogen and PIO in what I suspect are doses adequate enough for three pregnant women.

So, given all that, what if it still doesn’t work? What’s left? Like I said – scared. Betas are Monday and Wednesday, and at this point I honestly can’t say which way I think it will go. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

The “Maybe This Really Did Work” Category
  • Transfer was at noon on Sunday. I saw a tiny little bit of brown spotting late Monday morning, but nothing since. This has never happened before, not after any of the IUIs or the last transfer. Maybe it was implantation spotting.
  • Since Monday, I’ve been even more tired. Maybe it’s because of pregnancy hormones.
  • Since Monday night, I’ve been having vivid dreams. (Unfortunately, they’ve mostly been dreams of my mother and I having screaming matches in our new house or dreams of me going ballistic over something at our old fertility clinic in front of a waiting room full of people.) But still, I rarely dream hard enough to remember it in the morning. Maybe it’s those good ol’ pregnancy hormones again.
  • I felt a little bit nauseous yesterday morning, around the same time that I usually did during pregnancy #1. Maybe it’s the beginnings of morning sickness.
  • I felt a brief, little, painful twinge in my uterus yesterday as R and I were driving to the final walk-through for our house. Maybe it was an implantation pain.

The “Who Am I Kidding” Category
  • Transfer was at noon on Sunday. I saw a tiny little bit of brown spotting late Monday morning, but nothing since. Probably a little bit of old blood from the transfer.
  • Since Monday, I’ve been even more tired. It’s probably because I started the progesterone supps on Monday night, adding even more progesterone to my system. But wait! The extra tiredness started Monday afternoon, before the first supp. Maybe it really is because of pregnancy hormones. Yes, why don’t I just continue torturing myself over this one tiny little point…
  • Since Monday night, I’ve been having vivid dreams. (Unfortunately, they’ve mostly been dreams of my mother and I having screaming matches in our new house or dreams of me going ballistic over something at our old fertility clinic in front of a waiting room full of people.) Forget pregnancy hormones – can we say “subconscious fears coming to the surface during the dream stage”?
  • I felt a little bit nauseous yesterday morning, around the same time that I usually did during pregnancy #1. Maybe a greasy, spicy dinner full of salsa and a quesadilla covered in green chili strips wasn’t such a great idea after all.
  • I felt a brief, little, painful twinge in my uterus yesterday as R and I were driving to the final walk-through for our house. If only I had a nickel for every time I thought a uterine twinge was the sign of a pregnancy.
  • And, the one that’s stressing me out the most: Every night since the transfer, I wake up around 3:30 a.m. because I have to go to the bathroom and my bladder refuses to let me go back to sleep until I do. But I slept right through last night until the alarm went off at 6 o’ clock this morning. The same thing happened with this summer’s cycle – I kept having to get up to go to the bathroom (usually at 2:30 a.m.), then the day before beta #1 it was 4 a.m., then the day of beta #1 it was 6 a.m. I’m afraid that means my uterus is shrinking back down and not pushing on my bladder as much. Especially because I drank plenty of milk last night, so I know it wasn’t that my bladder was empty.

I’m probably not going to POAS this time. House stuff will keep my mind occupied this weekend, and I really, really don’t want to start out the week by staring at an overly white pee stick first thing on Monday morning. On Wednesday, I have a meeting with an out-of-town vendor at 4 p.m. I think I’m going to tell the nurse at the clinic “don’t call me, I’ll call you.” Either way, I don’t want the news until after the meeting.

Again, sorry for being such a bad blogger. I’m going to try to catch up with all of you this weekend.

September 13, 2006

By Golly, She Really Has Lost Her Mind

I didn't mean to disappear again. It has unexpectedly turned into a crazy couple of weeks, part of it self-inflicted, part of it not.

I've been given a new, interim position at work. I'm very excited about it, because it allows me to focus more in depth on a few areas rather than spreading myself over many areas, which is what my current position entails. If I do well, it will become a permanent position. The downside is that I have two months to prove myself, but I'm still doing several pieces of my other position, so I'm not able to focus all of my energies on the new one. Should be an interesting couple of months...

Then, as if we don't have enough chaos in our lives as it is, I dragged R to go look at new homes on a whim over the weekend. In a few hours, we're signing the papers to buy a ridiculously large, gorgeous spec home. This Friday, we're out of town at the clinic so that I can get loaded up on fat cells and have an ultrasound to see how my lining is progressing. The following Friday is the expected transfer date. Then, the Friday after that is the day I have my first beta, which will also probably be the day we get the keys to the new house.

We hadn't planned on this - like I said, we went looking on a whim. So our current house is not on the market and is nowhere near ready to be shown. But there are some reasons behind my madness. My mom will be moving in with us because she is in her 70s and it's getting harder and harder for her to work full time. (Because of the financial situation my parents' divorce put her in, she can't afford to live on her own unless she works.) This house gives us all enough space that we will hopefully be able to coexist without wanting to kill each other. Plus, the builder was offering huge incentives on the house in terms of a price discount and closing costs/loan rates because they want to get the house closed before their new fiscal year begins on Oct. 1. So once we get our house and my mom's house sold, we'll have a small mortgage that will allow me to stay home or work part-time at some point.

The next couple of months will be interesting. I had a check up with my regular doc yesterday, who is also my mom's doc and knows us both very well. I think at this point, he wants to insert a permanent IV into me and keep Ativan (anti-anxiety drug) flowing through me on a continuous basis.

I am horribly behind on catching up with all of you, please forgive me. I'll be back to catch up as soon as I can.