May 05, 2008

Tilting at Windmills?

I'm beginning to wonder if I've become pathetic.

Are people looking at me and thinking, "Doesn't she get it? Can't she see that it's never gonna happen, she's never gonna have a kid? Why doesn't she just give up?"

I mean, really. I've taken literally thousands of pills, stuck myself with upwards of 500 needles, done a couple dozen cycles between all the Clomid, Clomid/injectibles IUI, IVF and FETs, had five BFPs and lost 6 babies. And then there are the three failed adoptions.

Today is the fourth anniversary of our first miscarriage. We should have a kid who is almost 3 1/2 at this point. Thursday is the second anniversary of our second miscarriage. We should have a 16-month-old at this point.

And yet, despite it all, I have appointments set up with two REs in the next two weeks.

One is local. Although I'm not sure that anyone in our area has extensive experience dealing with cases as complicated as ours, it would be nice to go to an RE that is five miles away rather than 350. So I'm toying with the idea; we'll see how I feel after the consultation.

The other RE is at another out-of-state clinic that ranks as one of the top clinics in the country by CDC standards. I've consulted with him before and wasn't terribly impressed by his bedside manner. But as one of my IRL IF friends who cycled with him successfully twice put it, "Who the hell cares if he has the personality of a doorknob, if he can get the job done?!"

I've always been tenacious and not one to easily give up. But when, exactly, does tenacious cross the line into pathetic?