May 05, 2008

Tilting at Windmills?

I'm beginning to wonder if I've become pathetic.

Are people looking at me and thinking, "Doesn't she get it? Can't she see that it's never gonna happen, she's never gonna have a kid? Why doesn't she just give up?"

I mean, really. I've taken literally thousands of pills, stuck myself with upwards of 500 needles, done a couple dozen cycles between all the Clomid, Clomid/injectibles IUI, IVF and FETs, had five BFPs and lost 6 babies. And then there are the three failed adoptions.

Today is the fourth anniversary of our first miscarriage. We should have a kid who is almost 3 1/2 at this point. Thursday is the second anniversary of our second miscarriage. We should have a 16-month-old at this point.

And yet, despite it all, I have appointments set up with two REs in the next two weeks.

One is local. Although I'm not sure that anyone in our area has extensive experience dealing with cases as complicated as ours, it would be nice to go to an RE that is five miles away rather than 350. So I'm toying with the idea; we'll see how I feel after the consultation.

The other RE is at another out-of-state clinic that ranks as one of the top clinics in the country by CDC standards. I've consulted with him before and wasn't terribly impressed by his bedside manner. But as one of my IRL IF friends who cycled with him successfully twice put it, "Who the hell cares if he has the personality of a doorknob, if he can get the job done?!"

I've always been tenacious and not one to easily give up. But when, exactly, does tenacious cross the line into pathetic?


MrsSpock said...

You know, a friend IRL is now pregnant with twins after an IVF. She saw a local RE who was very successful but a complete jerk. They had seriously considered going to someone else, but in the end Dr Jerk helped make it happen. I'm not always a fan of giving my business to a doc that has no people skills, but have to admit that when it comes down to it, I would willingly go to some of the jerky surgeons I work with because they are the best in their field locally.

Nico said...

I just realized that I never told you how sorry I was that you lost another pregnancy. And now I'm sorry that I didn't say anything. Gah.

Honestly, I think that pathetic can only apply to things that are much less important than this. You are definitely not pathetic for continuing to pursue your dreams.

I agree about the doorknobs. Although the distance sucks. Might it be possible to have the further away RE design your protocol and do initial testing, but then actually cycle with the closer person?

Bengali Chick said...

You are not pathetic. You are incredibly brave. I wish I had half your strength. I give up way to easily.

Thalia said...

not pathetic. You keep going until the pain of continuing is worse than the pain of stopping. It is, at least partially, a numbers game. Enough tries and it might just work. I do so hope it does.

Grad3 said...

Never in a million years would I use the word pathetic to describe you. Brave. Determined. Strong. Those are words I would use to describe you.

You should keep going until you are ready to try something else. You will know when it's time to change paths until then, stay strong and remmeber how brave you are. ~Big hugs~

Jaded Girl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jaded Girl said...

No, not at all! I have lost two babies at 22 and 23 weeks gestation. Once due to genetics, next due to an incompetent cervix. Before leaving the hospital my husband and I knew we would try again.
As long as the desire burns and you are both equally committed, you should not give up.

Jaymee said...

You are not pathetic, it is never pathetic to pursue your dreams. Having babies is serious business for some of us. I am so sorry that you are hurting. People in these fields can be jerks, but as mrsspock said sometimes it is the jerks that you need. I hope that all your dreams come true, one way or another.

Anna said...

Hang in there, dear. Of course you're not pathetic. It's awful to keep trying, not knowing what the eventual outcome will be. I very much agree with what thalia wrote.

Hang in there and update when you can. I'm wishing you all the best.