December 27, 2004

I May Be Nuts...

...but I'm considering the idea of going shopping for a few baby things. And what's even more insane is that I'm thinking about doing it in the next few days, on our wedding anniversary.

Since the beginning of this process, I've insisted that we will absolutely NOT. BUY. ANYTHING. until we're matched, the baby arrives and TPR papers are signed. And maybe not even for a few more days past that point, just for good measure.

I planned on borrowing a car seat from friends to get the baby home from the hospital, and sending out other friends to get the bare necessities if the hospital doesn't send us home with enough to get us through the time until papers are signed. It's not a superstition thing, it's an "I don't want to deal with the pain of knowing we have these things but no baby to use them" thing.

But we had a situation come up last week. It didn’t work out, but it made me realize how unprepared we would be if a situation did arise with a quick placement. I've always been a person who likes to be prepared for things, so the idea of being completely unprepared is a bit bothersome.

At dinner tonight, R and I were discussing it. He's all for getting some things, packing them in a bag and just putting the bag in a closet so that it's not a constant reminder. (We do also have a couple of cribs and other things friends gave us before we began the IF/adoption rollercoaster that are kept behind closed doors.)

Now I'm wavering. We have a tradition with our anniversary that rather than buying each other gifts, we both take the day off work and do something together. One time it was cross-country skiing, a couple of times we've done weekends away, once we shopped for our first house which we were moving into a few weeks after the anniversary.

So I'm thinking of maybe doing the baby shopping thing this time. It definitely would be a sign of faith on my part, which is something I've been struggling with lately.

But on the other hand, I'm afraid next year's anniversary will come around and the bag will still be in the closet and it will be an anniversary in more ways than one...

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