May 04, 2009

Dead Baby Week

This is the week of the year that I dread the most, by far.

Tomorrow is the 5-year anniversary of Miscarriage #1. It's incredible to think that half a decade has passed, that I've made it through to such a different place than I was 5 years ago. Heck, some days, the fact that I've made it through at all feels like a miracle.

It's sad to think that we should have a child who is almost 4 1/2 at this point. And even though it's Cinco de Mayo and I live in a place where that's celebrated with almost as much fervor as New Orleans celebrates Mardi Gras, it's just not possible for it to be a day of celebration for us anymore.

Friday is the 3-year anniversary of Miscarriage #2. That pregnancy came and went so quickly - the day we found out for sure that I was pregnant is also the day we found out I wasn't going to stay that way - that it didn't feel quite as devastating as the first one. But it still counts, and I still hate that it had to happen this week, of all weeks. Some years, it falls on Mother's Day itself. Double ouch.

The other pregnancies didn't end during Mother's Day week, but for two of the three, that weekend still marked some sort of significance. For the twin pregnancy (pg #3, m/c's #3 and 4), I would have been entering my third trimester during Mother's Day weekend. Instead, we didn't even make it out of the first trimester. And last year, Mother's Day marked the 1-month anniversary of m/c #6, which was also D&C #2.

I just want to go to bed tonight and sleep through until next Monday morning. Hopefully at some point in the future, there will come a time when I don't hate this week so much.


Anonymous said...

Oh, my. I am so sorry for your losses. Tomorrow is a bad anniversary for me too--one year since my 10-week appointment where we found I had had a missed miscarriage. I don't know the exact date of my baby's demise, so I think of that date as it. The worst day of my life. Wishing you good thoughts to get through this horrible week, conveniently right before Mother's Day. As you probably did, as I was recuperating on the couch watching TV I had to suffer all those Mother's Day commercials.

Sue said...

I'm so sorry. What an awful week. I am waiting for that day where all of this pain is behind us -it is not forgotten but it is at least behind us- and we are holding our kids and having our memorial of sorts with these type of weeks. We will get there. In the meantime, just plug on through it. My only advice is to stay busy. I know how this feels though- and I am trying my hardest right now to get to that FET and hope I am pregnant by July 11 - my due date for my last m/c. I just don't want to do this anymore - not that I think one baby replaces another but I want to feel some hope again.

DAVs said...

I'm just so so sorry. The pain you have endured in unimaginable. I wish you could just sleep away the next week, too. I wish I had something to say that would help, but I'm smart enough to know that I don't, so just allow me to say again how sorry I am.

kayjay said...

The losses you've suffered are beyond words. I'm so sorry for your pain and all the suffering you've had. No one can really understand what those children meant to you but they were real to both you and your DH. Having Mother's Day at the end of the week is the ironic icing on the cake of IF and I'm sorry this time is so hard for you.

Blossom and Her Fruit said...

I am so sad reading this. ((Hugs))

Grad3 said...

I am sorry for the bitter moments over the last week. I hope that next year you have a reason or two to smile ~Hugs to you~