September 29, 2009

Dipping My Toe Back In

Today I took a tentative step back into the waters of treatment and e-mailed our cycle RN to let her know that we're possibly thinking of doing an FET in the second half of February. It was probably a bit premature (pardon the pun), since it might take a few months to get my thyroid meds adjusted and since February is five months away.

And honestly, I'm glad it's still that far off. Obviously, at some point we have to give it another try, seeing as how we have all those frozen embryos. But right now I'm okay with that try not being tomorrow.

That's so different than when we first started this process - whenever a cycle failed, I immediately wanted to jump into the next one. We've been at it for so long, though, that apparently I needed a year off. And while childlessness is never fun and the painful reminders can come from anywhere (i.e. dinner with R's cousin from the same generation last night, who has an 18-month-old grandchild when we don't even have a child yet), it's actually been kind of nice in some ways to have this time.

I also had my annual pap today. My ob mentioned that he has a patient who's had more than a dozen msicarriages. However, she also had success after the first three, then success again after the next several. And, she knows what's causing all of her losses - she has a balanced translocation.

I know he was trying to be comforting and encouraging, but it's just not the same thing. For one, she knows what the issue is. Secondly, her issue is a crapshoot - if she keeps trying, occasionally she'll have an embryo that isn't affected by the translocation. (Or so he made it seem; I don't know anything about translocations, so I'm only going off of what he said.) Third, she doesn't seem to have to spend $20k a pop to try to get pregnant - that just happens the natural way. And, last but definitely not least - she. has. a. kid. Two, in fact.

Still, I couldn't help but wonder, will that be me someday? A woman whose heartbreak numbers in the double digits? Will I know when to stop? Heck, will I even know how to stop?

7 comments:

Sue said...

I think it is good that you are looking forward again (but I appear to be an IF treatment addict, so what do I know?). All I can say is you have some great embryos waiting for you...your body (down there at least) is rested...and you have started the process of regulating the thyroid meds now. I think your chances are better than they ever have been. But also, I know that eventually we all know when it is time to stop - some of us earlier than others and that is okay - but for each of us, I know there is a point...and you aren't there yet. So keep trying and I can't wait to see a BFP post and then some pregnancy blogging!

kayjay said...

I always wondered if I too would know when to stop since I have been at it for about 7 years. The conclusion that I came to was that one day, I would just know it was time to stop, but that day never came for me so I continued treatment. About the translocation thing - that woman is extremely lucky...there are a few women who have translocations and I've read their stories on IVFC and many produce a phenomenal # of eggs but then end up with nothing. I think this thyroid issue has not helped you in the past so the fact that you are taking steps to get it under control could be the difference you need next cycle. Sometimes you do need to take that break from cycling and when you start treatment again, you come at it from a completely different perspective with a fresher, stronger reserve of strength. You've done the right thing and I am hoping for a good 2010 for you!

DAVs said...

OK I do NOT get up every day at 4:30 to work out. Just three of my work days per week. I don't work on Fridays and I'm off early on Thursdays, so on those days I work out at normal hours :)

Now on to you. I'm excited that you're thinking about your FET! I totally get what you're saying about the down time, the 'off' time--true, there are painful reminders, but it's strangely freeing and restful to be not actively in treatment. I think we all need that sometimes. Wishing you nothing but success!

Lorraine said...

I remember how much better it feels to have had a break for a while, to be ready to jump back in wholeheartedly and with some kind of renewed hope.

Lots of luck to you!

Jill M. said...

I'm glad you've had a nice a break and wanted to wish you the best as you tip toe back into the treatment waters!

Grad3 said...

Ah, the toe tipping back in... exciting and scary at the same time.

I hope that this leads to what you have been working so hard for... when you get the chance stop by my blog I have nominated you for award- it should post tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

a break is good--hang in there!

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