May 13, 2012

Mixed Mother's Day Emotions

I stopped in at a bakery a couple of days ago to grab breakfast, and the lady who was ringing up my order was pushing the sale of Mother's Day gift cards. She asked if I was a mom.

That's the first time anyone has asked me that recently. It was strange to be able to say yes. I left there grinning from ear to ear.

But at the same time, my heart aches because I know there are so many women out there for whom this is such a painful day, including many of you who are reading this post.

I still relate to the pain. I think I always will. There were years where we went away for the weekend and literally ignored the day and (having apologized in advance) didn't even call our mothers. It was just simply too painful.

One thing I don't think I've ever admitted on this blog before is that there were times - particularly after miscarriage #6, but even during the first trimester of the pregnancy with Miss A - where I began to wonder if everything we were going through was worth it. I even wanted to pose that question to a few of you who had finally achieved the dream, but I didn't. Partially because I was afraid that if I actually typed the question out, I'd begin to feel that for me the answer was "maybe not", and partially because I was afraid that if I voiced the question, maybe it would mean that I didn't deserve parenthood, that even simply asking meant it was something I wasn't cut out for.

But now, here, finally celebrating this first Mother's Day with a baby actually in my arms, I have the answer to that question. I know today is the official holiday, but honestly, every day of the past 2 months has felt like Mother's Day to me.

I am so thankful for that, and I hope with everything I have that those of you who are still fighting the battle find yourself holding your dream in your arms as soon as possible.


MyTwoLines said...

Happy Mothers Day to you! So happy for you and Miss A but also totally get the mixed emotions...

Silver said...

I often asked myself that question too, before baby, and if you'd asked me post baby the answer would have depended on a lot of things. For the first three months, I often wondered what on earth I'd been thinking about when I'd spent so much time and effort having a baby, so if you're doing ok two months in, then you're doing a great job. I mourned the freedom of life pre-baby. But overall, now, the answer is that it is so very worth it.

We were out at a kids' play centre this morning and there were a lot of women obviously expecting number two and, despite our wonderings and deliberations over number two, I didn't feel any of the kind of pain and longing I felt when I saw pregnant women before we had our boy. Being a parent doesn't make life perfect - and I do think that if it hadn't worked out for us, life would still have been good (we'd reached a place of relative peace, ironically) - but I am happy and I LOVE my son to distraction.

Reese said...

Happy Mother's Day Rebecca! The mixed emotions may always stay with you, but I hope this is by far your happiest Mother's Day yet.

Libby said...

I'm glad you got to answer "yes" to her question this year.

I also understand you wondering - at the time - if it'd all be worth it. I have those thoughts myself these days. Multiple treatments and the years dragging on does a number on us for sure. Glad you persevered, and glad it was all worth it. Happy Mother's Day :)