January 30, 2006

Spoke Too Soon

We hit another big bump this weekend when we found out there may be issues with the birthfather wanting to object to the adoption.

At this point, we’re not quite sure what to do. Our attorney advised us to stick it out for a few more days to see what happens while some paperwork progresses. We may get more information to help us make the decision, but it’s also possible that nothing will change in that short period of time to give us any clear (or even semi-muddy) answers.

Even if we do decide to go forward, because of the laws involved, 30 days after the baby’s born is the earliest that we would know for sure that the adoption isn’t going to be disrupted.

Our options boil down to:

1) Bail within the next few days, lose about $2,000 in attorneys’ fees and living expenses we’ve already paid, have no baby prospects on the horizon, and always wonder whether we made a mistake if the situation does work out and the baby is placed with another family

2) Fork over another $900 at the end of this week, stick it out for at least another week beyond that to see if anything develops and then decide whether or not to bail

3) Go for broke, commit to this all the way, risk a) about $12,000 by the time the baby is placed with us, b) more money if we have to fight it in court c) the heartbreak of possibly having to give the baby back

We don’t have trust funds or a money tree growing in our back yard, so if we spend a lot of money on this situation and it doesn’t work out, we’ll be having to look at potentially drastic options, like down-sizing to a smaller house to get more money to continue forward. On the other hand, if this situation does work out in the end, we risk walking away from a baby by not continuing forward.

If we opt not to continue with this situation, I’ll probably wind up doing our first IVF cycle in the beginning of April. I should have hope for that, and sometimes I do, but it’s scary to think about what if it doesn’t work.

And in a lot of ways, it’s not any different than this adoption situation: either way, we pay thousands upon thousands of dollars up front, with no guarantee of success, and hope and pray that it works out the way we want it to. So is going forward with this adoption really any more risky than going forward with an IVF cycle? Somehow it seems like it is, maybe because in the adoption, other people’s decisions and actions factor into whether it will be successful or not, whereas in an IVF cycle, ultimately it’s nature that decides whether it works or not, rather than other people.

Either way, we don’t have much say. Let me know if any of you have a crystal ball. We could sure use one right now.


Sarah said...

I sure wish I had a crystal ball....I certainly wouldn't mind sharing it with you. Or maybe that easy button that I keep seeing on TV. I wish I had either one.
I'm sorry that you are in such a bind and I wish that I had some advice for you. I know there have been so many times that I wished someone would just tell me what would be the right thing to do.
Is there anyway way that you could meet with the birthfather to get a better sense of what he might have in mind? I'm not sure what type of adoption you are doing or what the circumstances are. I'm sure you are doing everything you can to figure all this out.
Just know that there are people who are hoping for the best and are here to listen.

manuela said...

Rebecca... I wish you much luck on this journey... I truly hope your heart's desires are met.

I also appreciated your comment on Jenn's blog... for while I am an infertile adult adoptee who is a strong advocate for adoption reform... I respect your decision to adopt and the mature way in which you expressed your opinions. My views tend to be a little radical as I was adopted under a system of lies and manipulation... one where my biological mother was lied to, belittled, and manipulated... and one where I was also lied to for 25 years. Like you said... you never know what it's like until you've been there. Unfortunately... this is a place I wish I'd never been.