October 05, 2006

It Didn't Work

The first beta was less than 2. I don't know what the second one was because I was in a meeting when the clinic called and couldn't answer my phone. But seeing as how the message was to stop taking my meds, clearly the second beta didn't come back with some fantastically high number.

Our clinic usually doesn't give out the results until after the second beta. But on Tuesday I couldn't stand the not knowing any more, so I got the cycle coordinator to tell me. I can be a bit of a PITA patient, so she doesn't even fight it anymore - I think she figures it's easier to just do what I want, because then I'll go away and won't keep bugging her.

I didn't tell R until last night. I wanted to let him have one more day in the Land of Hope, because he was so happy there. As I was walking out of my building at work, he called to find out if I'd heard anything yet. I'd been really calm up until that point - faking hope during the injections he helped me with on Tuesday night, not crying at all since getting the news. But telling him gets me every time. I sank down on a curb in the parking lot and sobbed and sobbed as I told him. I was probably flashing the world since I was in a skirt, and other employees were driving by on their way out of the parking lot, but I didn't care.

At least we have the house to focus on and keep us distracted. I'm hoping to talk to Doc today to get his thoughts, and then I think we're going to do the next FET in the beginning of December. We'll find out the results right at Christmas. A couple years ago, there's no way I would have been willing to do a cycle with that kind of timing. But now my thinking is that we have no child now, so in that sense, how can it get any worse? If it's a negative, we're simply in the same place we are right now. If it's a positive, it's another reason to (reservedly, with great caution) celebrate.

Oh, and you want to hear something ironic? R and I tried to adopt for two years. We let all of our family, friends and neighbors know that we were wanting to adopt, but none of them ever heard of any potential situations. Now, since Friday, two friends and a neighbor have all said, "I just heard of someone I know who is pregnant and planning to put their baby up for adoption. Would you be interested?" It would figure. I've left it up to them to find out more information for us. We wouldn't be totally against it, but given that we've already lost tens of thousands of dollars on that process, we're also not willing to be matched with someone who needs major living expenses for several months.

I haven't told R about any of these situations. Apparently, I'm getting very good at keeping things from him. That's probably not a good thing, but sparing him dashed hopes and pain spares me pain. And right now, I've got just about all the pain I can handle.

God, when does this end? When is it our turn? It seems like almost everyone we know who is dealing with infertility, in the blogosphere or in real life, is having success while we're still left standing here, watching them all go on to have the happy lives we can barely even dream of anymore. I know that's not true of everyone, that some of you who are reading this are still in the boat with us. I wish it was a place none of us had to be.

17 comments:

Sarah said...

I'm so sorry that this cycle didn't work out as you had hoped. I truly wish things were different. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hopeful Mother said...

Rebecca, I'm really sorry. It stinks that any of us are in this position. You are definitely not alone, and I often feel like it is working for everyone else, and will never work for us.

Thinking of you.

Watson said...

Hi Rebecca,

I am so sorry you didn't get better news. I totally understand the part about not wanting to tell your husband right away. It's like a double-whammy of pain, having to hear the news ourselves and then tell it to the hubby. It's just so awful.

You're not alone, even though I know we all feel that way sometimes.

Take care, and keep us updated, okay? We're here for you.

Rian said...

I just found your blog and I'm so sorry that this journey has to be so hard for you. It really sucks that life isn't fair and we all can't have the happy families that we want. I really hope you get that Christmas miracle you so deserve.

Kirsten said...

I am sorry to hear your news and know that I'm right there in the boat with you. We are the last of our "couple" friends without child and most of them have baby #2 on the way. We are the only ones to face infertility in the bunch, too. To add just a little salt to my wound...we were the first couple to marry of all.
I am glad to see that you've still got the drive to keep on going. I wish you all the best and will keep you in my prayers.

zhl said...

I'm so sorry for the negative.

sube said...

Oh, Rebecca. I'm so sorry. I've be checking your blog often over the past few days, and this is not the news I hoped to hear. You've been through so much. I hope there's happiness for you soon. Hugs.

absolutegray said...

I'm sorry to hear your bad news. I know the feelings of disappointment myself. It took 28 months to conceive my daughter and now 15 months into trying for #2, I have had 2 miscarriages. When it rains it pours. We have already met with an adoption lawyer and starting our paperwork. I'm tired of TTC. I wish you the best, I can only imagine how heartbroken you must feel.

Larisa said...

I am so so sorry. I wish you had gotten better news.

the waiting line said...

I'm so sorry. I wish I knew when it was your turn - I wish it was NOW. I just hate this. I'm sorry Rebecca.

We're putting off our FET until December too. It was scheduled at the end of this month, but now we've got some crazy life changes going on.

Take care.

Kim said...

Sorry for your news. I know it is hard.

Lucy said...

So sorry to hear the news. Definitely thinking of you.

Debbi said...

Rebecca, I'm so sorry. Please hang in there and do nice things for yourself during this really crappy time.

Lara said...

Oh Rebecca, I'm soooo sorry!!! It's such a shit thing to go through this infertility! I hope one day it will be your turn.

Nico said...

Oh, Rebecca, I'm so sorry. It should be your turn, you have been through so much. It sucks.

Motel Manager said...

I'm so sorry it didn't work. It really needs to be your turn soon - you've been through so much!

Thalia said...

Ugh rebecca I'm so sorry to hear this, and to have taken so long to leave you this comment. I hope the move went ok.