September 19, 2007

An answer

We got the results of the D&C testing this evening. It showed a gender chromosomal abnormality - the baby was XO instead of XX or XY.

My ob said that about 98 percent of first trimester losses have that particular abnormality. He also said that is encouraging news for us to try again, because it appears it was just bad luck with the embryo and wasn't a problem with the uterine environment or something else.

It still doesn't necessarily explain the other four, but at least we know that no matter what we did, the outcome of this one was beyond our control.

I'm still processing this news. I think I feel mostly relief, because now it's easier to think that maybe it really wasn't my fault after all. It was hard not to think "Did I lay around too much? Maybe I should have been more active?" or "Did we stop the progesterone too soon?" or "Was my blood pressure the cause of it?" or even "Did the fact that I was soooo emotionally reserved about this make the baby feel unwanted and fail to thrive?"

But a little part of me also feels heartbroken over the fact that there was no way this could have ended the way we wanted it to. It's hard to think that beautiful flickering heartbeat and that normally shaped (from what we could see at the early stages, anyway) baby wasn't this perfect little being we thought it to be.

The fact that the chromosomal abnormality was gender-related is a bit ironic. I told my ob up front that I didn't want to know the baby's gender, because for me it would be easier just to always think in terms of "the baby" rather than know if it was a boy or girl. And now I can go on thinking that way without having to know that the answer is sitting in my chart somewhere.

9 comments:

Thalia said...

It's both good to know and tough to know, isn't it? I'm glad you got some answers, but it does make the loss that much more personal.

And sweetie, it was never, ever your fault.

Rachel Inbar said...

I just wanted to say I understand you... I hope you will be able to find some comfort in the results, especially more hope for the future.

Beagle said...

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope the answers bring you some amount of peace and hope.
Thinking of you . . .

JJ said...

I agree with thalia--its hard to have an answer, but I also hope it brought you some closure.

Anna said...

Those questions will really drive you mad. I am glad you finally have an answer and it's good to know there wasn't anything wrog on the maternal end. Of course it wasn't ever your fault. Deserve hasn't got anything to do with it - otherwise we wouldn't have need to write most of these blogs!

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby, but I really am keeping everything crossed for the next try. I wish you the very best. Hang in there.

Kristen said...

I'm so glad you were able to get some answers. I can't imagine how hard it must be to know but like PPs I hope it gives you some closure. It certainly wasn't anything you did to cause this.

Alice said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Grad3 said...

It's always hard not to wonder if there was something different you could have done... our intellectual side says 'no' but or emotional side says, 'maybe?'

I am glad that you are able to find some peace in the answer you received.

Nico said...

I think Thalia said it best. Good to know. Yet tough at the same time. I hope that you're doing okay.