August 24, 2009

Feeling Alone and Left Behind

I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself, but I'm failing miserably.

I've been in a good place for the past few months. I've needed a break from infertility, and I've had it. It's been good to not have every day, every decision we make, revolve around fertility treatments and my cycle day and needles.

Then last week happened. It was actually a pretty good week. I realized on Thursday that I hadn't even noticed what Aug. 17 represented - the 2-year anniversary of the D&C for the only pregnancy we've had that progressed to the point of a heartbeat. I thought it was a sign of healing. It's not that I don't think about the baby, because I do every day, but this time I didn't relive it in the days leading up to it.

About an hour later, I got an e-mail. An acquaintence, who is a former infertile who used donor egg to have her first child about a year and a half ago, is 27 weeks pregnant again. Apparently this time, she just naturally got pregnant a few months after she stopped breastfeeding. By accident. After deciding that she didn't want a second baby because the birthing process of the first was so horrible and the realities of motherhood didn't quite live up to the fantasies of it that she had.

It's not that I begrudge her this pregnancy. Or a mutual friend we have, who also had her first babies (twins) through IVF and also got pregnant naturally without trying the second time, less than 2 years after the twins were born. (She just had her third last month.)

It's just that I feel so totally left behind, and almost completely alone. I say "almost" because I know there are others out there in the same boat. But it feels like even those who are out here in the deep waters with me will also eventually find a path to success, and at some point I will be the only one left out here, floating aimlessly and Completely. Totally. Alone.

Then I made the mistake of logging on to FB, and seeing all the first day of school pics from this past week. Friends from the local resolve group who were down there in the trenches with me are sending their children off to school! For us, the prospect of a child going to school is still so far off that those kids will likely be in high school before we're showing up at the door of a kindergarten classroom.

Saturday, I bounced back. It was a happy day. A pair of capris that I bought 14 months ago, thinking "these will be perfect if I can just lose 5 pounds", finally fit for the first time! (25 pounds later...) There is almost nothing that can kill the high that comes with fitting into a piece of clothing that was once too tight.

Except showing up for an appointment with your 23-year-old, size 2 hair stylist and finding a cute little ultrasound pic. She wasn't even trying to get pregnant.

Thank God for Dairy Que.en's Girl Sc.out Cookie Thin Mi.nt Blizzard. Even if I don't fit into those capris anymore as a result...


DAVs said...

I was just about to write a blog about the FB first of school blitz! Actually, I don't even HAVE a FB account for that very reason, but my DH does and he said it was like an assault on his eyes when he logged in and literally every one of his friends was posting about taking their kiddos to school. He felt so alone and isolated.

I'm here. Still infertile. You're not alone, even though I know that's really not much comfort.

But that blizzard sounds DIVINE! I've been wanting to try that one but instead defaulted to my 'safe' M&M blizzard...but now I might just have to go for it.

Congrats on the weight loss!

Thalia said...

So sorry this has all taken so long and been so extraordinarily difficult. hang in there.

kayjay said...

I'm sorry...I really do know how you feel. I remember being just one of two women out of a group of 13 in a support group that didn't end up getting pregnant after taking the mind/body course. Yep - totally felt left out and left behind. I'm not trying to blow sunshine up your you know what, but you are in a much different place than you were before. You have gained so much knowledge about your body and where you are - that thyroid diagnosis is an identified issue that they can now treat and deal with so as to maximize your chances when you do go back. And didn't you have some crazy amount of CGH normals stored?? You have a great chance with those too. I'm sorry you're feeling down...put on those pants again and recapture that happy feeling again okay?