April 22, 2010

Just to Clarify

From some of your comments recently, I realize that I've left a bit of a wrong impression.

It's not that I don't have hope for this upcoming cycle - I do. Actually, that's kind of the crazy thing about it: I have more hope than I probably should, and that's freaking me out a bit. So what's coming across as a less-than-hopeful attitude is actually fear.

You see, I consider:

1) We're at the Big Guns Clinic
2) Our RE is the founder of said clinic
3) We have a ridiculous number of embryos that tested chromosomally normal
4) They're from a protocol that's different than our first 2 cycles, so maybe that will make the difference
5) My thyroid levels are finally stable
6) I'm on 80 ml of Lov.enox this time - I found a study that showed women who have a history of RPL and 2 clotting factors have much greater success on 80 ml as compared with 40 ml. I've only been on 40 ml in the past.

So I think about all of that, and a large part of me thinks "How could this NOT work?" I have to admit, having had 5 pregnancies in the past (so actually getting pg doesn't seem to be our issue as much as staying that way is), I even catch myself tending to think "when we get the positive beta..." instead of "if".

But the reality is, even with all those things in our favor, it could not work. So I think I keep reminding myself of that to keep the hope in check. I've even spent a fair amount of time (far more than I should) visiting blogs of fellow IFers who have had to endure the unthinkable - losses of babies in the second or third trimester. I know I've had a lot of losses, but they've all been first trimester. Somehow I tend to think that losses after that point are even worse, because you start to let your guard down and think "This could really work", and you feel movements and see your belly grow, etc.

So, yes, I've been reading about preeclampsia stories and cord accident stories and incompetent cervix stories and placental abruption stories. Bracing myself for what may be to come. Reminding myself that if it does happen, others have endured and survived. I guess somehow that helps me to think that I would be able to, too.

Because that's just how IF screws with your head. With mine, at least. But in my own weird sort of way, I do have hope. Really. I promise.


lastchanceivf said...

We know you have hope :) I, for one, have a TON OF HOPE for you because of all the things you listed. But I know you are guarded and I think that's natural. Just hold on tight and maybe close your eyes tight and grab on to your DH and read that list over and over and over (I guess with your eyes open LOL) and realize all the things that are different this time. So many things, so many things.

Hoping, hoping, hoping....

Jan said...

The other thing is that sometimes, even when nothing changes, it just suddenly works. I have two friends that I met through a miscarriage support group who had had 6 and 7 losses respectively, and were both over 40. One now has a lovely wee girl and the other now has 2 boys - and she had the second when she was 47!! They did nothing differently, had no treatment beyond low-dose aspirin in one case (which she'd used before) and it just worked. So there's lots of reasons to hope - all the good solid, sensible ones related to the changes you've made and the seemingly silly, but very real idea that this time things might just go right all on their own!

Rachel Inbar said...

Sounds good. I think it's easier to accept that changing something will make a difference than that it will just suddenly work when it hasn't in the past. It seems as if positive thinking can only help :-) Good luck!