May 09, 2011

Dad Passed On

I was not looking forward to last week, but it turned out to be a much more painful week than even expected.

Wednesday was the 5th anniversary of miscarriage #2. Thursday was the 7th anniversary of miscarriage #1.

And then, on Friday morning, dad passed away with his wife and me by his side.

It was somewhat expected, although I don't think anyone - including the oncologist - thought it would be quite that soon.

Dad had seemed to be doing well (relatively speaking) when I spoke with him several times in April, but then test results the weekend after Easter showed that despite the transplant, leukemia cells had returned. So R and I drove out to be with him two days later, and then four days after that he was gone.

I'm thankful he's not suffering any more, and I'm glad his wife, who has literally been by his side pretty much every single moment of every single day since he was diagnosed two years ago this month, no longer has to be a full-time caregiver.

I don't know if it's relief that his ordeal is over or that I've dealt with so much loss that I'm an expert at coping or if I'm just flat-out avoiding dealing with it at all (ding ding ding, I think we have a winner, folks), but so far I haven't really cried. R keeps looking at me sideways, like he's trying to spot the warning signs of the big implosion he's anticipating.

I haven't been in the mood to talk much lately (obviously, since I haven't been posting or commenting). I think between all the infertility stuff and my dad's battle, I'm just tired of medical stuff in general.

We don't know yet when we're going to do our next transfer. A couple months back, tests showed my thyroid meds dosage was way too low (TSH was 15+) and that my kidneys were in stage 3 (the middle of 5 stages) of kidney failure.

My doctor increased my thyroid meds, and I think that has also improved my kidneys, but I need to get bloodwork done to confirm that before we can move forward with a cycle. I was going to get that drawn last week, but with everything going on, we won't be home until next week, so it will have to wait until then.

Fingers crossed that I manage to keep myself together through this week - services are at the end of the week.

15 comments:

Libby said...

Rebecca, I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad. My heart is heavy for you... I wish I had words that would make you feel better, but there are none. Just know that I am thinking of you and praying for peaceful moments.

Patience said...

I am so very sorry. You are in my thoughts and heart. I am here if you ever want to talk or vent.

A Shadow of My Former Self said...

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your father. Losing a parent is so very hard. I am sorry you are hurting.

A Shadow of My Former Self said...

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your father. Losing a parent is so very hard. I am sorry you are hurting.

MyTwoLines said...

Rebecca
I am so so sorry for your loss. I, too, will pray for peace and comfort for your heart right now. I'm just so sorry for you.

PS Please keep us posted on your bloodwork...I'm sure they can get the TSH under control but what is this with the kidneys? HUGS to you.

Nic said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm glad you got to be at his side for the last moments - my dad passed away from lung cancer and my biggest regret is that i was not there when it happened and didn't get to properly say goodbye. I hope that the service helps you to heal, as well as getting to talk to people about him. xox.

MrsSpock said...

Oh so sorry :(. And the kidneys? Sheesh! Someone cut you a break!

SLESE1014 said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. Sending you hugs! Keeping you and your family inmy prayers.

barfingrainbowsandunicorns said...

Rebecca, I am so, so sorry about the loss of your father. You are in my thoughts.

I really hope the universe cuts you a break with your thyroid and kidneys.

Silver said...

I'm so sad to read the news of your dad's passing. I know it wasn't totally unexpected, but it must still hurt like hell. You've had a tough year of it, with your lovely dog passing just a couple of months ago too - never mind all the IF stuff that is ever-present. I have been lucky enough to hang on to my dad so far despite a bout with cancer, but when he was diagnosed and it all looked very bad, I remember calling a dear friend who had lost her dad and asking her how I was going to cope. She said that at first she was numb, then in actual physical pain with the grief but that it DOES get better and she was able to think of him and feel happy. I am so pleased you were there with him when he passed - that is something very important for both of you.

Out With In said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss, Rebecca. Thinking of you..

Phoebe said...

So sorry to hear of the loss of your dad. Take care of yourself in this time of grieving.

Lost in Space said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. I hope you find some comfort in your memories of him. Be gentle with yourself and know you are thought of.

Melissa said...

I'm so so sorry for your loss, and for the hurt you are feeling. I hope your memories of him will, in time, east the pain. Hugs to you.

Also, I wanted to let you know that I nominated you for a blogger award. Swing by my blog to pick it up when you're ready or have a chance.

Thalia said...

Rebecca, I am so sorry for your loss.