May 31, 2011

Stuff...and a New Cycle

I've started several posts in my head during the past couple of weeks but haven't gotten one into the computer until now.

Going through the services for my dad was tough, of course, but there was good in that week at the same time. R and I got to spend some time with my oldest sister and her family (including my niece, who volunteered last summer to be a gestational surrogate for us). Although I'd only met my nephews once before, all of her family was very welcoming to us.

It was really unexpected to me, but in a good way, how much we just felt like family. It was just natural, just there. I don't know how to explain it very well. I generally think of my parents as being my only blood family, and I had no idea how much I had been missing that connection in my life until after the reception following my dad's services, when we were in the car and R told me that I should organize a family reunion. I said, "Seriously? With everything else going on in our world, you think I need to take on organizing a family reunion?" And he said, "Yeah, I know, but you're happy when you're with them." "Happy" isn't the word you expect someone to use to describe you literally a couple hours after you've buried a parent - and honestly, it's probably not a word he has used to describe me in a very long time - but I realized that he was right. So I'm grateful for that connection.

I haven't really started to deal with my dad's death yet. Certainly I shed some tears in the moments after he passed and during the services, but mostly I just force them back and haven't let myself have a good cry yet. I saw my therapist a couple days after we got back home. She said I was reciting the events as if I was describing a movie that I was watching. She pushed and probed a little and ultimately decided to let me live in my little world of denial for the moment, but I don't think she'll let me get away with that during my next appointment in a couple weeks. :-)

We got some surprising news the week after my dad's services - it looks like one of my health insurances (I'm on both my employer's insurance and R's insurance policy through his employer) will cover IVIg! The home health company that will do the infusion let me know, but I wanted to hear it for myself so I called the insurance company to verify it. They confirmed it as well, although I have to say I still don't believe it 100%.

The cost of IVIg had apparently been weighing on me more than I realized, because as soon as we found that out, I was like "Ok, let's get this show on the road!" And, as R and I so often do, he ying'd when I yang'd. He's been so supportive and strong in all of this, but as soon as I was ready to move forward, suddenly he was feeling "Whoa!" and not quite wanting to face the prospect of our last attempt (with my uterus). But now he's on board.

We still don't have quite all of the pieces together, so the transfer could get derailed, but as of right now it's planned for two days after my birthday in July. The reproductive immunologist can order the IVIg itself, but since I don't live in the state where he practices, I have to find a local doctor who is willing to order the actual infusion of the IVIg, or else I need to find another home health company within my insurance's network in his state to do the infusion, and travel there to have it done. I have an appointment on Friday to ask my PCP if she'll order it - fingers crossed.

Also, my TSH level is better but still not where it needs to be. It was 7+ a couple weeks ago, so that's about half of the 15+ it had been, but it still needs to get down into the normal range before transfer. My PCP increased my Syn.throi.d dosage again from 100 mcg to 125 (I was on 75 when I got the 15+ result), so I'll re-test again in the end of June.

Thankfully, though, it does seem that the improved TSH has reversed my kidney issues. My eGFR is now back in the normal range instead of Stage 3 kidney failure, and my creatinine is much improved (still not quite back to normal yet). Granted, the eGFR technically still at the low end of the normal range, but I'm hoping if the TSH gets back to the normal range that the eGFR will move toward the upper end of normal. It still amazes me how all of our body's systems are so interconnected.

And now, after all that good news, here's how I came off the holiday weekend and launched into the cycle (bcp's start tonight): The co-worker who I began carpooling with a couple months ago, who I clicked with right away and was so happy to find someone else my age who doesn't have kids, who I have made it a point to not discuss the kid issue with at all because I just didn't want to go there, asked me point blank on the way home tonight whether R and I have thought about having kids. I tried to just laugh it off with a "Yeah, maybe someday" kind of response.

It turns out she's 14 weeks pregnant. From her first IVF cycle. I am trying hard not to feel sorry for myself, but I'm not sure I'm succeeding.

5 comments:

Sue said...

Ouch. I hate that. That is so hard. Its been such a rough road that it just isn't fair! I'm sorry! Its just that, doesn't the first IVF always work? I mean, they actually put the babies in there, right? ugh.

I'm so sorry about your dad. But, family can be very healing...and its probably good that you are seeing a therapist. I saw one years ago and she said something similar to me about reciting things as if in a movie...a few sessions later and I think I emptied her tissue box! It is a good thing sometimes to have someone coax it out. Hugs.

I thought you'd be on higher doses of synthroid! I thought you had your thyroid removed? I still have mine and am on 125mcg regularly and go up to 150 around the time I start IVF or if I get pregnant. My thyroid must be jacked! Thats nuts. At least I do see an endocrinologist, so I guess I have to trust him.

MyTwoLines said...

I'm so sorry about the pregnancy announcement they are always hard!

I got a lump in my throat when I read your words about family and blood family...I so hope our kids will feel a connection to us despite it not being by blood. It's all so hard.

Best of luck with the ivig and I hope the higher dose of lt4 does the trick with your tsh!

Libby said...

Ah, who needs carpooling! Sorry you have this to deal with now :(

That's really great about the IVIg. I hesitate to say this, BUT my insurance told me they would pay for IVIg too. Then they found out it was an IF diagnosis, and they said it was experimental. Just in case, I would make sure they don't submit the claim with an IF diagnosis.

I'm still so sorry about your dad. You will deal with it when you can. Thinking of you...

Libby said...

Hi Rebecca,

To answer your questions, our insurance while we were trying to get IVIg covered was Blue Cross, and we were working with Carolyn Co.ulam, MD in Evanston, IL.

I really hope it's covered for you. My own employer's home health entity wanted $14,000, while a stand alone infusion center only wanted $4900, but still! $$$$$

Good luck to you!

Lost in Space said...

Carpooling is overrated anyway. Ugh.

Deal with your dad's death however you need to. I missed my very first week of graduate school when my dad died...flew back and had to hit the ground running to play catch up. Denial lasted for quite awhile. It all comes out eventually when you are ready...

Great news on the insurance coverage!! Wow!