June 15, 2011

T Minus 28

Assuming all goes well, I will be incubating four weeks from today. We booked our flights last night. Gulp.

I'm trying to be calm about this cycle, but it feels like there's so much riding on it. I looked at R last night and said, "You mean if this doesn't work, I'm just supposed to stop? Give up? Admit that I can't do this? That something 85% of the population has no problem doing (half of them without even trying or meaning to), I can't do it despite 9 years, 2 countries, half a dozen states, and who knows how many needles/cycles/procedures?"

Clearly I'm not good at accepting limitations.

R pointed out, though, that succeeding at incubating isn't the end goal and that we will still have other options to get to the end goal if that particular route doesn't work.

I saw my therapist today. Our next appointment will be exactly one week after transfer, assuming transfer occurs as scheduled. Even though that's a couple days before the first beta, I'm sure I will be peeing on a stick that morning, so I told her to be prepared.

She asked if I'd rather wait to see her until after the betas. Ha. I'm pretty much going to need to be camped out on her couch for about a week, so I scheduled another appointment for a couple days after the second beta.

I'm still not really letting myself process the grief about my dad yet. She pointed that out too, but surprisingly gave me a pass again this time.

But I can tell that it is slowly bubbling to the surface - after I left her office, I swung through a drive-thru to pick up dinner, and they were featuring a banana pudding milkshake. Banana pudding was my dad's favorite dessert (I made three huge pans of it - seriously underestimated how long it takes to cook 12 boxes of cook-and-serve pudding! - for the potluck reception after his services), so I ordered the shake. And then promptly burst into tears. But fortunately there were a couple of cars in front of me, so I managed to (mostly) pull myself together before I got to the cashier's window. Thank God for the trend of Jackie O-style sunglasses.


MyTwoLines said...

First of all, super duper good luck on the upcoming cycle!

Regarding your Dad, I know how the grief hits you sometimes. My Dad has not passed, but effectively his life as my Dad is gone (he can't even really understand the idea of the adoption, he'll never hold the babies, he can't carry on a conversation anymore, etc) so we are in the slow process of grief...and there are times when I think of all we will miss together and it hits me all over again.

I can't wait to hear the progress of your cycle!

Libby said...

Yay! for incubating! I don't accept limitations well either. Crossing my fingers for you!

You will get there with your grief. I know every relationship is different, but I can tell you that I still think of my brother every day, and he's been gone 5 1/2 years. It gets better though. I don't believe you get over it, but the load does get a bit lighter as time passes. I felt I had to hold a lot in when I was around my parents or at work, but I gave myself permission to cry in my car, and cry I did, usually for the whole 40 minute ride home from work. I'm just so sorry you are without your dad.

Thinking of you and wishing you a fantastic transfer!

Anonymous said...

I'm also wishing you the absolute BEST for this upcoming cycle.

I'm really really sorry about your dad. I hope that over the next few weeks and months you do manage to start processing a little. So hard to lose your parents.