December 14, 2011

You Want Me to Pick a Date For *What*??

Our 24-week appointment was on Monday, and it was a bit surreal.

Kiddo still looks good. This was the second growth scan, and s/he measured 1 lb 9 oz, in the 56th percentile. Never have I been so thrilled about an "average" number as I am about average numbers like that...

After the scan, we had our usual appointment. The peri's office is a very personalized practice, and they all know our story, so they all know how detatched we're trying to stay from hope.

So at each appointment lately, the nurse or nurse practitioner asks a few questions to gauge how we're doing on that front. (And probably to check the state of my sanity.) Have we opened the envelope? What are we doing to prepare? Have we met with any pediatricians? Have we thought about signing up for classes at the hospital?

No; absolutely nothing because it's still entirely too early; no; and if anything, I will contact a nurse educator to do a private class for us.

I explained to the nurse that I had told myself that if we made it to 20 weeks, I would create a list of things we would need to do, and if we made it to 30 weeks, I'd consider starting to do the things on the list. Then 20 weeks arrived, and I told myself that 6 weeks was still plenty of time to create a list, so I moved the 20-week plan out to 24 weeks. Then when last Friday arrived, I told myself I'd wait and see how Monday's appointment went before making the list.

She looked at me, took my hand, and said, "Hun, it's time. Make the list."

I still haven't done it.

Then the nurse practitioner came in. At one point, she mentioned that during our next appointment (12/23) or the one after that (1/6), we'll pick a date with the doctor.

I looked at her and, in total sincerity, asked, "A date for what?"

Yes, she was referring to a delivery date.

It honestly did not even occur to me. Picking out a delivery date is what people do who assume they're going to take a living, breathing baby home from the hospital. Apparently the people at the peri's office think we will be one of those couples.

In my head, from a totally logical point of view, I know everything looks very good and there's no reason to think we won't be one of those couples. But all these years of heartache have made it a lot harder for my heart to get on board with that idea.

I'm not sure I can pick a date.

I've avoided knowing due dates as much as possible, and while I know the due date for this pregnancy, I also know we're not going to go that far. The last thing I need is yet another date on which to pin my hopes and dreams. I told R we may have to give the peri a list of dates we don't want, tell her to schedule a date that's not on that list, and then if we make it that far, just let us know a day or so in advance what day and time we need to show up at the hospital.

He was not fond of that idea, but it may be the best I can do.


Reese said...

Oh Rebecca, there's always some party killer who wants to interfere with the "take it one day at a time" plan, isn't there? In your doctor's defense, that's his job. In your defense, I think it's ok to still be cautious about picking dates. Are you having a scheduled C-section? Getting you to "prepare" is all well and good, but as you and I both know, there are some things you just can't prepare for and setting a date won't help you. Your idea of having the doctor notify you the day before makes me laugh. Been there. I didn't convince my doctor to go for that, but I did stall scheduling my C-section until after 30 weeks because I flatly insisted that it would "jinx me.". I went into labor two days before the scheduled date, and I told the doctor it was his fault. If you are planning a vaginal birth, perhaps it isn't too soon to start thinking about birthing classes? How is the doppler working?

MyTwoLines said...

So I'm going to have the unpopular opinion and say yes Hun it is time! My take is this: you deserve to do some things that feel normal and that you always waited for so now is the time. If something--God forbid--happens you would be devastated no matter what prep you did...of cours if the prep causes you too much sadness or anxiety that's another issue. I don't know I just want you to get one iota of joy and normalcy in this experience and maybe I am way off here but I just want that for you!! Sigh. It's all so complicated. Hoping you feel confident enough to start taking small steps towards the list!

SLESE1014 said...

I was just like you honey....I made a list and then sat on it. Up until I was 34 weeks. Then I started to panic. We had a mere 6 weeks before this kid was due and we had very little done. OK I did work on the nursery, but I wanted to decorate that room in the theme we did anyway. It's not just Baby related, it's sports related. But eventually I had to bite the bullet. I didn't even do laundry for the baby until I was 35 weeks.

Then I delivered at 37 weeks. We still don't' have everything done on the list, but the baby is here and healthy...Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as I hope you get the same happy ending I's time to start enjoying your pregnancy...I know you won't because I didn't, but it is time. Before you know it, the baby will be here and you'll miss your pregnancy.

Banshee said...

I agree with the thoughts that now's the time to at least try for some enjoyment and normalcy. I also know that must be incredibly hard, but it's kind of a seize the moment thing right? Enjoy what you can anyway! Glad to hear everything's looking "average"!

Mo and Will said...

I get this, I truly get this. I don't know how things would be for us if we ever got as far as you have, but I can easily imagine us going the way of caution. I think soon you'll need to make the terms of a due date - I also cannot imagine calculating one again - it is too painful. I like your creative solution.

thinking of you.


Silver said...

Oh, I completely understand! Mind you, the medics are a bit different here, so I was really encouraged to wait to go into labour naturally. I couldn't cope with that idea - I was anxious about going over my due date and the risk of stillbirth etc. However, if I had REALLY taken on board what they were saying, I think I would have waited. I didn't want a C-section (and they didn't want to give me one, because of my clotting issues), so it was induction and you can read how miserable that experience was on my blog. It also, as they warned me it could, led to ineffective labour and a forceps delivery which has left me with prolapses front, back and middle - not a fun thing to deal with!

Although it was wierd being chucked in with normal, fertile people for antenatal classes (we did state-run and also paid for National Childbirth Trust ones too - both group classes), I have made some fantastic friends and had a HUGE amount of support from them - I literally couldn't have stayed sane in the early days without the girls I met. Who else can you text at midnight to ask whether it's normal that your baby hasn't pooped all day? I know you're reading those words and thinking "Baby? Poop? These are things that I can't imagine using in relation to myself." but, you know, it COULD happen! "The thing I found really tough was buying clothes and equipment and setting them up before the baby was here, but I'm very glad I did it - I can't begin to imagine how I'd have managed in those early days if we hadn't done all that. You know when I write this, that I get it - our histories and health issues are so similar - so trust me when I say that a certain amount of planning and preparation are worth it. AND you might even find that you enjoy bits of it - and you're allowed to, and you are entitled to it after all you've been through.

Nico said...

I can totally see not wanting to pick a date. why do they need you to pick one so early? We scheduled my C-section with A about a week in advance. I think you should just ask them why the date needs to be decided so soon.

MC said...

Sure beats planning dates for injections and ivf anyday hun...give in a little and enjoy your pregnancy...I won't say you'll miss it because Kiddo will be here and that's all that matters in the end. Don't let them push you too hard but you have to give us all hope in light of your desperate journey to parenthood. Our BETA was positive...then negative 5 days later =( must keep trying...

Libby said...

I do believe you are one of those couple who will be taking a live breathing baby home, but I understand your hesitancy. IF totally robs us, doesn't it? I didn't even know you got to pick a delivery day. I think I would just put them off as long as I could for self preservation.

In regard to your comment, yes, my AMH doesn't correlate well with my AFC and FSH. It makes me wonder if in a few years, they'll have a new measurement other than AMH. A couple of years ago, it was all about inhibin B! That said, I think crappy eggs can still produce good looking numbers. sigh.

Sue said...

I've been away...but let me say Congrats on making it to viability! how awesome! And, don't worry about "picking a date" lol...b/c noone ever honors that date, unless it is a planned c-section and even then, you may not make it to that date, lol. It is so arbitrary to pick a tell yourself that and just go ahead with it:-)