Day 3 Report From Home Sweet Home

We finally made it back. On the one hand, I was thrilled to see our furbabies, and it's very nice to sleep in our own bed.

On the other hand, it's still 80-friggin'-something hot here! Next week is Thanksgiving, for Pete's sake. I shouldn't be having to turn on the ceiling fan in the bathroom while I'm getting ready in the morning, nor should I be sweating (even with the A/C on) while I'm driving in to work.

Clearly the desert has not received the memo re November = autumn temperatures. I tend to hold pretty conservative views, but if you don't believe in the greenhouse effect, come spend Thanksgiving week in a place where the temperatures make a tank top feel like overdressing and the pumpkins wilt, and then decide for yourself.

Ok, on to more fun stuff. Today's Day 3 report: 15 of the 18 are the "ideal" 6-10 cells, 1 is 5 cells but may still catch up, 1 is 11 cells and 1 is 13 cells. In terms of fragmentation (ideal is 20% or less), 2 are at 20%, 2 or 3 have no fragmentation at all, and the rest are at 10% or less.

The embryologist was quite happy. Possibly almost happy enough for both of us. Which is good, because this report has elicited a rather unexpected response from me.

We signed up for the cycle aware of RE's prediction that we would only have 0-2 normal embryos. Not a happy thought, but if that turns out to be the case, at least it would give us an answer. And, I wouldn't necessarily be able to blame myself, because maybe it could be me, but maybe it's R (given his sperm issues, that's not out of the realm of possibility), or maybe it's just our genetic material combined that doesn't work. We would have no way of knowing, and I think I could be okay with accepting that. (Not to say we wouldn't necessarily try and try again, but just that we would have some answer.)

And, it could still turn out that we have 0-2 normal when the CGH is said and done. (I didn't ask the embryologist today what she thought the chance of that was. Maybe I'll ask during the blast report on Saturday.)

But now this report, and the embryologist's enthusiasm, has kind of raised my hopes that maybe we'll have more than 0-2 normal. And while that would be great for obvious reasons, the main reaction I'm having is fear.

If we have several normal ones, I may be too afraid to put them back in me. Because then, if they go back in me and it still doesn't work, it will be my fault. Or, at least, my body's fault. But since I'm in my body, ultimately it will be my fault.

Even if my thyroid issues get resolved, I don't know if I can do this. (Apparently I've begun using the term "if" with all medical issues, infertility or not.)

I'm not quite sure where that would leave us. I don't know my sisters, so I couldn't ask them to be a gestational surrogate for us. We're closer to R's sister, but she's not necessarily in a situation to do that, either. One of my best friends would have been totally willing, but she had a uterine cauterization procedure done a few years ago, so that's not an option. (She's so sweet - she said if she had known then that I might need her uterus, she wouldn't have done that procedure.) I don't know that I want to find an unknown surrogate, because to me that feels like it has too much potential to go the route of all of our adoption situations and fall apart.

But I also just don't know if I can attempt another pregnancy. I suppose this is something I should have thought of before we created all these embryos. I didn't expect to feel this way.