August 01, 2010

I'm an Idiot

In more ways than one. And I have the receipt to prove it.

Despite all evidence to the contrary, I still cling to the faint hope that I can be like a normal person who has sex, gets knocked up, and pops out a kid 9 months later.

R discourages hip-propping after the deed, figuring that I don't have much of a chance of producing a normal, healthy egg sans fertility meds. But last weekend I ignored him and did it anyway.

So then on Thursday, I started having really bad cramps. As in, I-can't-remember-the-last-time-I-had-cramps-this-bad cramps. I even went home early from work.

And I was ticked, because we were leaving for a week at the beach yesterday, and the last thing I wanted was to be dealing with AF. But I didn't start to spot or bleed.

Then last night it occurred to me that my chest is sore, which rarely happens outside of pregnancy. This morning, the back pain started, and I've been having AF-like aching and pains all day long. Which I thought were maybe round ligament pains.

So I made R take me to the store to buy a test (first way in which I am an idiot, as proven by the store receipt for the test). Of course it was negative, despite my hopes to the contrary (second way in which I'm an idiot). And then after taking the test, it occurred to me that given that we had sex last weekend, I could only be a week out from conception at the very most, so if anything these are implantation pains and it's still way too early to test (third way in which I'm an idiot).

But now I don't want to hang out in the hot tub with our friends, and there are two more pregnancy tests stashed in one of the dresser drawers, mocking me and tempting me. And chances are 99,999 to 1 that in a week I'm going to be coming back on here to post that 1) AF has shown up, or 2) Still no sign of AF, but the tests still show only one stupid line.

In other news...I had a phone consult with an RE who believes in immune issues. She recommended IVIg - no big surprise there. I finally got myself together enough to send off my records to an RI as well, so I'm waiting to hear what tests he wants to order.

My dad is doing well enough that his oncologist now thinks he is a candidate for a bone marrow transplant. (The level of cancerous cells in his blood is low, but on the other hand his marrow isn't producing much blood, so he's still needing transfusions all the time - hence the recommendation for the transplant.)

So his siblings are getting tested, and we're waiting for the results. Our next FET is on hold until we know more about what's going on with him and whether I'll need to be tested as a possible donor.

My mother is having memory issues, not to the degree that I think it's dementia but still to a degree that is unusual for her and something to keep an eye on. She doesn't believe this, so we had another big blowout in which she: 1) accused my husband of lying, 2) accused me of trying to make her think she has Alzheimer's, and 3) accused me of making her upset enough to have a stroke. (This, despite the fact that I never raised my voice to her, even when she was shouting at me.)

We are still living under the same roof as her, but now all of our communication with her takes place through e-mails, which are sent to her and then printed out, logged in a binder kept in the kitchen, and I even go so far as to make a copy of the log sheet every time I add to it, so that I have proof in case she ever tries to remove an e-mail and edit the log, because that is something she would do.

And she thinks the problem is us.

I've also been doing some preparations for Plan B. More on that to come in a later post, but for now I need your thoughts - do I spend the next week staying out of the hot tub on the very remote chance that this may be implantation that I'm feeling, or do I throw caution to the wind, climb in, and say "Whatever will be, will be"? If you were me, what would you do?

(Also, Peaches, you commented a few posts ago that you'd be willing to chat about surrogacy, but I'm not sure how to contact you as your name doesn't seem to link to a blog?)


Silver said...

No - you are not an idiot. I have been known to ponder the possibility of pregnancy in months when no deed has been done, simply because I've felt a twinge here or there (cos, you know, people have periods when they're pregnant). You have my sympathy on the parent front - mine are ok now, but both cancer and memory worries have been issues in the past and it's not nice to have the parent/child roles reversed. Personally, I would stay out of the hot tub, but see above for reasons why my opinion might not be entirely sound on such things!

lastchanceivf said...

Well, if you're an idiot them I'm an idiot. Actually, I just avoid sex at any time fertile because I don't want the drama or to be faced with the what ifs...seriously, how sad is that?

At any rate, how did I not know your mother lives with you? I cannot even imagine.

Libby said...

I guess we're all idiots then. I actually bought OPKs this month.

To hot tub or not to hot tub. Hmmm. Well, I'd probably skip it, but mostly b/c I've never been a fan of being in any kind of a tub with friends ;)

Life with your mom sound rough. My MIL was a real piece of work, but at least we knew what we were dealing with (alcohol).

Hope you have a good time at the beach!

Auntie Em said...

You are definitely not an idiot--I also overanalyze every little twinge and sensation around the time AF is supposed to show. I'm so sorry to hear about both of your parents. I hope your dad is able to find a match among his siblings, and I hope your relationship with your mother is able to be repaired.

themrs said...

Hi! I'm new to this whole blog thing, so bare with me. :) First, you are not an idiot. According to the internet, I have been pregnant about 5 times based on those quizzes. Any feeling I had meant "something" and I would test as well. So don't worry about that.

I would skip the hot tub too. There will always be another chance to go in the hot tub but you don't know if you would be jeopardizing a possible pregnancy or not. So, I'd be safe about it.

Good luck to you!

Kristy said...

I've just recently started following your blog, and wanted to say, you're not an idiot! Sounds like you have a whole lot on your plate right now, that's for sure! I'd stay out of the hot tub, just in case. I also wanted to mention that I have been a surrogate three times, so if you have any questions that I can help you with, I'd be happy to. Good luck with your journey!

Blossom and Her Fruit said...

I'd skip the hottub, cross my fingers and hope for a pleasant surprise. it has been a week. any sign of AF?