November 12, 2011

20 Weeks, and Emotional Progress

There have been small steps in emotional progress this week, but steps none the less.

We've been hanging out at R's parents in preparation for having a garage sale at their house. Most of the stuff we're going to be selling is down in their basement, which is also where all of the baby stuff resides from our failed adoptions. (After we sold our previous house and moved, I refused to let any of that stuff cross the threshold into our new house.)

So there we were on Wednesday night, and curiosity got the better of me. I had R pull out one of the suitcases of stuff. It had somewhat less emotional stuff in it - a baby carrier, the thingamajig you put into a carseat to make it smaller so that an infant is snug in it, some plastic-backed swatches of rather stiff fabric that I'm thinking are maybe mattress protectors that go under the mattress sheet.

I think it would have been harder if I had opened the suitcase to find all the onsies, receiving blankets, towels, etc. we had bought. But what was there was okay - I could handle it.

We have more stuff in boxes down there, but R's brother had piled a bunch of clothes on the boxes, so we couldn't easily get to them for now. That was okay, too. But R also showed a little bit of emotional progress/forward thinking/hoping: he asked his brother to begin removing some of his stuff over the next several weeks so that we could eventually get to it.

And I also got a pleasant surprise - we have more baby furniture than I remembered.

I knew we had two cribs, given to us by two different friends, a very cute dresser R had refinished, and an armoire from my mom. But I had forgotten that the friend who gave us one of the cribs also gave us a tall chest of drawers and shorter chest of drawers that match the crib. So I'm thinking (imagine me, allowing myself to consider the possibility of a happy ending in the near future!) that we could put one of the cribs and the small chest of drawers downstairs so that we would have supplies more easily at hand without having to always run up and down the stairs.

Then, in a sign of even more progress, when we went to our appointment yesterday, I forgot to stare at the ceiling until the heartbeat was announced. It took a couple of seconds of staring at the ultrasound screen before I realized what I was doing. Then, just as it occurred to me and I quickly glanced away, the tech announced the heartbeat.

But there are still backwards steps sometimes, too. I was at work on Thursday when I began to have a lot of anxiety about not having felt the sensations I think are movement in a while. I texted one of my friends to say that I was tempted to leave my desk and drive around in my car with the radio on to see if I could elicit some movement from Kiddo. I didn't, but I was still super stressed about it until I finally felt some movement again late Thursday night.

So, like I said, small steps, but steps none the less.


Kim said...

I too feel as if I am slowly progressing emotionally. We have a had early losses and no babies to take home which makes this pregnancy just as frightening. We made it to 17 weeks so far, but each time I have an appointment, there is always that fear something isn't right. Sometimes I wish there was reassurance every day. But I am getting better and I am glad to see you are as slow as it may be for both of us!

Nico said...

awesome! 20 weeks!

I didn't feel any movement all day yesterday, and while I tried to convince myself it was okay, I was actually kinda flipping out by the end of the day, imagining taking the boys to our u/s apt on monday only to find out the baby had died... so I pulled out the doppler. h/b was there loud and clear, so phew. I can't wait until the movement gets more definable and consistent!!!

so nice to hear that you're starting to look at baby stuff :D

Reese said...

Hooray, 20 weeks! The "official" halfway point! I'm glad you are starting to feel some regular movements, and starting to go through some baby stuff. I don't think you should feel bad at all for not wanting the baby stuff in your house just yet. I was absolutely neurotic about this, and I will be in my next pregnancy too. I waited until a few days before my scheduled c-section to have a big shopping trip for baby, and even then it made me nervous. It was just as fun to decorate the baby room after the baby had arrived safely. A few days before the birth, I made sure to have the basics so that I wouldn't have to leave the house for a few days when I got home, and I think it is just as easy to do these things after the birth. Contrary to popular belief, you will still have time to do things after you have a baby. If I had done a baby room and all the baby items before she was born I would've been crawling into that room every day and having an anxiety attack. You are doing so well! Do you have a doppler? You are getting far enough along now that the heartbeat might be easy enough to locate and the combination of feeling the movements and using a doppler might provide some peace of mind. Every time I read about how well you are doing, I am just so thrilled for you! You have been through so much, and you are doing great. Keep it up!

Rachie Pachie said...

I think those are awesome steps! How nice to slowly uncover those past items at your pace & R's pace, too.

Glad the ultrasound went well, also! :)

Libby said...

Wow, did that 20 weeks go by fast - for me anyway! I know it's literally been one long day at a time, so congratulations for hanging in there! I'm glad to hear you are doing better, emotionally speaking.

Thanks for checking in on me too :) Still around, just a tad overwhelmed thinking about our next step. We actually have our one day work up in a few days - so we'll have to see how that goes!