Optimistic, Optimistic, and Just Plain Nervous

This post was going to be titled "Optimistic, Optimistic, and Nervously Optimistic." Apparently, the universe found that a bit too cocky.

We had another ultrasound and appointment yesterday. It went perfectly. And now, today, there is cramping and spotting. Mostly brown spotting, with maybe just a tiny bit of pink, but still. Spotting. And cramping with it. Sigh.

Yesterday was 11w6d. Kiddo's heartbeat was 160, and s/he measured exactly on track at 11w6d. We could see feet and hands at the ends of the legs and arms, could even mostly make out the individual fingers. The bones of the face were all very clear.

The nuchal fold measurements were all good, and the nasal bone was clearly present, making the chance of Down Syndrome pretty low, although since we had done CGH, we weren't particularly concerned about that anyway.

The ultrasound tech searched and searched, but she could not find a sign of the hematoma anywhere. Yea for that! She also announced that my placenta is mostly anterior, although it is not completely covering the right side, so she said to pay attention to the right side to feel movements when I get further along. (Apparently an anterior placenta makes it more difficult to feel movements.)

After the scan, we met with the peri. She said that with everything measuring right on track, looking good, and no sign of the hematoma, the risk of a loss at this point is low, and she is optimistic about this pregnancy. R is optimistic, too - he even wants to find out the gender as soon as we can this time around.

Realistically, I know I'm never going to be able to fully commit to boarding the "optimistic train" the way that they are, but I told R after our appointment that I am "nervously optimistic". For me, given our hisstory, I think that allowing myself to classify my outlook as "optimistic" this early on in the process, even if it is qualified with "nervously" in front of it, is still a huge leap ahead of where I was with Miss A's pregnancy.

Then this morning, Miss A and I had a playdate with a friend and her young son at an indoor jungle gym place. It's the first time we've been. I was on my feet a bit more than usual, keeping an eye on Miss A, since she was one of the littlest ones there. Toward the end of our visit, she wanted to go on some of the slides in the bigger kids area, so I had to slide with her. We were fine sliding multiple times on one of the open slides, but then I decided she might enjoy going down an enclosed slide. The only thing was, I had to hunch over a little, and as we went down, I felt a few stabbing pains.

I took it easy after that, and my friend took Miss A on the slides a few times so that I could sit down. We came home soon after, and everything seemed fine, so I didn't think anything more of it.

But then I went to the restroom and there was a tiny bit of brown spotting. And then the cramping started. It is mild and intermittent, but still, it is cramping, and you all know how I feel about that. And the amount of spotting seems to be increasing a little bit.

So now I am laying in bed, feeling every little twinge, and trying not to get up every 2 minutes to see if the spotting is increasing or turning to bright red.

I feel like there is no point in calling the peri, because all they are going to be able to tell me to do is what I am already doing - stay off my feet as much as possible and drink plenty of fluids. In the absence of bright red bleeding, I don't think there's any point in going to the ER, especially since we just had a scan yesterday.

So here we are, 12 weeks, and I'm back to just plain "nervous". It's going to be a very long 26-27 weeks if things continue like this...

Feeling Nervous

Apparently, 10 days is my limit between ultrasounds before I start to panic.

Nothing is super-obvious wrong, but I have been having some pelvic pains today that I don't totally like. The best way I can describe it is if I was in the 3rd or 4th week, I'd be thinking "Yea, maybe these are implantation pains!" and I'd be happy about them. But now, in the 11th week, I'm thinking, "Why am I feeling these pains now? What do they mean?" And I don't like that.

I called the peri's office. When I'm there in person, they always tell me I can come in early if I need extra reassurance, but when I call, the nurse usually finds a way to put me off unless there's a critical sign, like bright red bleeding, which thankfully there's not.

So the nurse told me to drink lots of water because she thinks I'm probably dehydrated and that's what's causing the pains, and call them back if bright red bleeding develops. Otherwise, they'll see me on Friday, which is still 84 or so hours away. Not that I'm counting or anything.

I tried the Doppler again over the weekend, but still no luck. I don't think that's necessarily a bad sign - I'm "fluffy" and I have a titled uterus, so I realize it may take a few more weeks (or longer) to start hearing it on there.

I want this to work. For the obvious reason, and also because I am really, really ready to be done with the infertility treatment phase of our lives.

Reprising my refrain from Miss A's pregnancy: Please, God, let this end well.

Double Digits

The most recent ultrasound was on Friday. Kiddo continues to measure 2 days ahead, the hematoma continues to remain the same size.

I was 9w6d on Friday, so assuming all is still well, we're officially in the double digits in terms of weeks.

Continuing with the trend of being more mellow this time around, I have not tried to break out the Doppler again. The ultrasound tech was able to do the ultrasound abdominally this last time, but barely, and their equipment is of course much more advanced than my $50 monitor.

It'll probably be at least a few more weeks before I'd be able to hear anything with it, other than the blood flow to my ovaries or uterus that I heard when I tried a few weeks ago. Since I hear the exact same thing on both sides and I know there's only one Kiddo in there, I know I'm not hearing fetal-related blood flow...

Since everything was looking stable, they gave me the option of having my next appointment in one week or two weeks. I opted to schedule for two weeks out. If it goes well, I may try to stick to that schedule, because with a toddler in the picture, it's just harder now to have weekly or more frequent appointments.

During Miss A's pregnancy, I think I only had one two-week interval between appointments and two 10-day intervals, and other than that, it was 1 or 2 appointments a week. So far I seem to be okay with it, but then again, it's only been 4 days. I may feel differently in another 4 days. :-)

And The Beat Goes On...

Somehow, amazingly, Kiddo still has a heartbeat.

It was 10 days between ultrasounds. I actually did pretty well with the wait - I'm a bit calmer with this pregnancy than I was with Miss A.

The heart rate was 183 bpm, which is great, and Kiddo is measuring 2 days ahead, at 9w1d. Out of all 8 pregnancies, there is only 1 other where we saw a heart beat as far along as 9 weeks, and that was the pregnancy with Miss A.

One wrinkle that came up is that I woke up yesterday really not feeling well. We saw the nurse practitioner after the ultrasound, and she thought I had the flu, so she prescribed Tamiflu. Miss A and R also started not feeling well, and today R got tested (the peri's office didn't have the rapid flu test), and he does indeed have the flu. So I'm pretty sure that's what Miss A and I have too. The nurse told R today that one of the main strains of flu going around wasn't included in this year's vaccine, so a lot of people are getting it even though they were vaccinated.

I have been working crazy hours since Tuesday, and I was supposed to work all weekend and all week next week, but the nurse practitioner said I need to rest, so she wrote a note for me to be off work "until further evaluation". She wants to see how I'm feeling and how things look during the next ultrasound next Friday.

It's pretty much the worst timing from a work perspective, but the baby's health has to come first. Thankfully, my boss is very understanding and supportive. My vice president is in town, and I have been working closely with him this week. I was supposed to meet with him on Monday.

I wasn't planning to inform him of the pregnancy unless I made it to 20 weeks, but my boss asked for permission to share my situation with him. She wants him to be clear that I'm not just flaking out of work for a minor cold, that the flu on top of a pregnancy with a serious complication becomes an even more serious situation.

Speaking of serious complication, the pesky hematoma is still there, and still unchanged in size. I was kind of surprised it wasn't smaller, because there continues to be blood every time I wipe. Now, every time I cough hard, there's a bit more bleeding. I just wish it would go away.

While I'm doing better (more calm) with this pregnancy, I'm still not close to being a "normal" patient. The peri's office doesn't even bother to try to schedule more than 1 appointment at a time for me - they just stick to scheduling the next appointment every time we're there. (Normally, if their patients are on a weekly or every-other-week schedule, they schedule about 4 weeks worth of appointments at a time.)

And I'm still refusing to look at the due date. It's listed on some of the ultrasound photos they give us, but I just hold my finger over that part of it. I know it's some time in August, because both of the ultrasound techs have forgotten after I've told them I don't want to know and started to say it. They said the month, but I managed to stop them before they got to the day. Given that Miss A's transfer was on July 13th and her EDD was March 30, since this Kiddo's transfer was on Nov. 21, I'm assuming the EDD is around the end of the first week of August, but I just don't want to know for sure yet.