March 20, 2006

The Saga Continues, and I Feel Like I’m Sinking in Quicksand

This is not going to be a happy post. I should have been taking Provera by now to induce CD 1 to begin the birth control pills. But I’m still feeling yucky, and my PCP didn’t want me to start the Provera until we figure out what is causing me to not feel well, so I had to contact the clinic today and tell them I need to cancel the April cycle.

I’m devastated. I was really thinking this would be our chance to finally cycle after so long.

On top of all that, I unexpectedly ran into a former co-worker a couple days ago who is pregnant. A friend who is pregnant after infertility e-mailed me yesterday to ask if I wanted an invitation to her baby shower. She was being very sensitive and thoughtful about it, but it still hurt. Another e-mail yesterday was from someone who told me she and her husband have two possible adoption situations in the works. And, a close friend just got news of a positive beta today from her IVF cycle while I was on the phone with her. She’s definitely had her ups and downs with this process, and I am truly thrilled for her, but it hurts nonetheless.

It feels like all of my IF friends are moving on with successes, and here I am not even sure when I’ll be able to cycle.

Emotionally, I’m sinking fast. I recognize that I’m in a state of flat-out depression. I’d like to pretend it isn’t true, but there I am. Thank you all for being here for me and offering support. I’m sorry I’m not able to even muster up the emotional strength to do the same for you right now, but please know I continue to lurk on your blogs and think of you.

Things are not going well on the PCP front, either. I forgot to request copies of the blood work and ultrasound reports when I was at the doctor Friday, so I called them today and had them faxed over. As I mentioned in a previous post, the PCP’s office had told me all the results came back normal.

Well, when I got the results today, there was only an ultrasound report for my upper abdomen. I called back to request that they also fax over the pelvic ultrasound report. (I assumed they’d put both the full bladder and trans vag results on the same report, since they both look at the same general area.)

The person I spoke with in the medical records office said, “Pelvic ultrasound? What do you mean? We don’t show that you had a pelvic ultrasound, and we don’t have any report for one.”

Excuse me??? How can you tell me that all of my test results have come back “fine” if you don’t even have all of them? Or even realize that some of them are missing, for that matter.

The CT scan thing has hit a couple of bumps, too. I told the nurse where I wanted to have it done, and they requested the authorization for someplace else that will take much longer to get into. And, the authorization itself is taking longer than expected, so I don’t know yet when I’ll actually get to do the scan.

There were also a couple of questionable things on the bloodwork (including one test that came back outside the normal level – again, so much for “fine”) that I need to ask them to explain to me.

I’m sorry to be such a downer. I’m going to go read my Bible and some things I’ve highlighted in a couple of books about anxiety. Hopefully they will help me to feel better. If you have any Bible verses or other words or inspiration to share, please add them to the comments section – I’d love to read them.


Sarah said...

I hate that you are going through all of this. I wish I could give you a great big hug. I will be keeping you in my thougths and prayers.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

fisher queen said...

I'm sorry you're in such a bad place.

My bible is still packed up with our other books since we don't have bookcases yet, but I often think of the passage about the lilies in the field. It says that we should be like them, not troubling ourselves because God will take care of us. I imagine them swaying in the breeze, cupped in the divine hand. So are you.

sube said...

Oh, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Not only having to cancel your cycle, but then having all those reminders of how far away you are from where you want to be. But know that you're not alone. We've all had those feelings and we're here to support you. Take care.