June 17, 2006

Hurting and Hoping

Right off the bat, I’ll warn you that this post isn’t going to win any awards for eloquence. I’m having a difficult time putting my feelings into words, so bear with me.

Infertility is a process of highs and lows, emotions that can go from one extreme to the other in, literally, the flicker of a heartbeat. Sometimes, the highs and lows, the hope and sadness, is so intricately intertwined that it’s impossible to tease them out into separate emotions.

That’s pretty much how I’m feeling right now – an odd combination of hope and sadness, with something that vaguely resembles peace or acceptance thrown in for good measure.

This week, I’ve been growing more excited about our upcoming first IVF cycle. We’re cycling out of state, and a week from today, I’m popping over to our clinic for the day to do a cyst check ultrasound. I have plane tickets, a car rental reservation, and a plan to spend a blissful few hours reading on the beach after the appointment.

At the same time, my excitement is tempered by sadness. Sadness and heartbreak for Sube, who received devastating news this week. Sadness and anxiety for a non-blogosphere friend of mine who is six months younger than me and doing her first IVF. (She has truly lived the IF roller coaster this week, finding out one ovary was hiding and may not be able to have its eggs retrieved, finding out the ovary was accessible during retrieval after all, finding out all of her eggs from both ovaries looked dark, finding out only four fertilized and she was probably going to be canceled because all four looked dark and granular, finding out those four miraculously cleared up in color and granulation and are all growing appropriately.)

Sadness for all of us who have to go through this, who have to endure the heartache and the pain and the pills and the shots and the procedures and blow after blow.

But while I’d never wish the pain of infertility on any of you, I’m thankful for all of you. For being their, for supporting me and each other, for reaching out and sharing yourselves. I continue to be amazed by this incredible community of women. And I just wanted to let you know that.

12 comments:

Nico said...

Infertility does suck. I hope that it sucks a little less for you over the next few weeks as you start your IVF cycle. You totally deserve some non-suckiness to make up for everything you've been through!

Thalia said...

Thank you for the kind thoughts, sweetie. I hope your friend's cycle continues to look better.

Sarah said...

Hoping that things go well at the cyst check and that you have a nice, relaxing time reading on the beach.

Meg said...

Rebecca - hope and sadness. Sounds familiar. xx

sube said...

A very eloquent post, despite your warning to the contrary. And true, so very true, seeing as in the midst of my sadness I have so much hope for you. I'm not sure you can have one without the other.

the waiting line said...

great post.

fisher queen said...

Smooches.

Kath said...

Dear Rebecca, you said it so well. With all the bad news I've heard lately, and all the hope and shocks and drama, both in the blogosphere and in "real life," I'm feeling punch-drunk. Infertility is creeping into every part of my mind and heart, and it's utterly horrible. If it weren't for the support of this great community, I think I'd just curl up into a ball.

Thanks for expressing things so well.

Sarah said...

How did the cyst check go? Are you on target to start your IVF? I hope so!!

Beagle said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog . . . hurting and hoping, can definitely relate to that!

Good Luck with IVF#1 . . . may it be the only one you need.

Larisa said...

I know exactly what you are saying. I hope that things go well in the coming appts, and that hope continues to be around.

Liz said...

We all understand how you feel. IF does suck!! I'm sorry your friend has had so many difficulties and I hope in the end all will work out. Hope you get cleared and will be able to start. I'll be rooting for you.