September 13, 2011

Trying to Reason With Worry

Once again, I was totally nervous about today's ultrasound. And once again, everything was fine. Kiddo is still in there, heart is still beating, body is still growing. Or at least, it looks like it to me - since these are just reassurance ultrasounds, the tech didn't measure length the last couple of times.

I had no real reason to think things wouldn't be fine. I'd had low-grade nausea for a couple days, and I still felt the round ligament pains, although not as much the last couple of days.

And still, I get really stressed beforehand each time.

R tried to reassure me. In the past, when he's said "It will be fine", I've told him not to say that for fear of jinxing it. This time, I didn't scold him, I just let it go. I guess that's progress, at least.

But I still can't let go of the tissue box. When we had the first ultrasound last month, when I climbed up onto the table, I had R hand me the tissue box that was sitting on the counter. I wanted easy access to it in case it was bad news, plus it gave me something to hold and focus on. I still make him give it to me every single time.

I tried reasoning with myself this afternoon, after the appointment. Realistically, I'm doing everything I can do to encourage this pregnancy to continue. If something's going to happen despite that, then it's going to happen. If I spend all this time worrying and everything turns out fine in the end, I will have tarnished an incredible experience with worry. And if I spend all this time worrying and it ends badly, all that worrying wouldn't reduce the grief. So I'm trying to let the worry go. Not necessarily very successfully, but I'm hoping I'll get better at it with practice.

Whatever will be, will be. Maybe I should tattoo that on my forehead.


SLESE1014 said...

I can tell you I've worried throughout all 25+6 weeks and I'm sure I'll worry the rest of them too. I do try to enjoy parts, but for the most part I've worried. My docs keep telling me to enjoy my pregnancy, but it's not easy for me to do. So logically you're right about letting go, but emotionally, it's not so easy.

And feel free to get that tattoo, but I'd recommend the inside of the wrist and def nit the forehead ;)

As always keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!!

Sue said...

DH reasoned with me too...explaining that even if I waste the pregnancy with worry, it won't lessen the pain if things turn out bad. It also won't be more painful if I have to return or give away a few baby items...those are just peripheral things. It didn't work on me until after the first trimester...I think I started letting go after the first trimester b/c I started going to the gym. Then, at about 19 weeks, after the anatomy scan and when I was able to feel movement, I was happy and way more content. I finally said, I have to enjoy this b/c I waited so long for it...lets go shopping!!! Things got a lot better...

However, I will say that I still freaked out at EVERY ultrasound, even if I felt her moving as they placed the thing on my belly. Ultrasounds just always made me nervous. So, hang in there...that may just always be a weird little hang up. BUT, try to start letting go of the rest of it. You are almost out of the woods of the first tri...m/c rate is ridiculously low now (really! no matter how many first tri losses you've had). I have one good friend who is finally preggo on her 10th IVF cycle, she is 2 weeks behind me (so 29 weeks?) and she still isn't enjoying a thing and it is breaking my heart. The only stuff she has for the baby is stuff I've bought her...I don't want her to regret that...but all I can do is watch. At least she will have a beautiful baby after all the worry. But, don't pressure yourself...let it come naturally. Honestly, I think soon you will come to this yourself.

Libby said...

I so hope you can start to really enjoy this pregnancy :) Still crossing everything for you!

MyTwoLines said...

Well, it's true that worry is wasted. But so hard not to worry sometimes! I think you should just try to let your worry go little bits at a time, here and there. And in its place let in those moments of happiness and peace. And in time, the happiness and peaceful moments will crowd out the moments of worry...
Congrats on another good ultrasound too! :)

Anna said...

Dear Rebecca,

You never stop worrying. Ever. I didn't have any symptoms at all and if not for the weekly US, I wouldn't even have known I was pregnant. They were very reassuring, although a 1 hour drive away.

Sue had good advice and I must echo it: enjoy and relish every minute. Even if this pregnancy should end, you should enjoy every minute of it while it lasts. I am SO sorry to be so negative, and it sounds like you are right on track and there isn't ANY reason to think something would go wrong. Just enjoy the time you have.

In my first pregnancy, which was a fluke, I tried to enjoy it, even knowing we might have to end it. I'm a carrier for a genetic disorder and this pregnancy wasn't planned - so no IVF/PGD. It turned out the boy baby was affected so we terminated at 17w1d. It was awful to do, but the doctors were lovely and kind. We were able to hold him after delivery and it was so sad, but we knew this death would be a blessing compared to what he would go through later in life.

After several more failed rounds of IVF, we finally conceived with my cousin's donated eggs. Today that 5 year old boy missed his bus to Kindergarten because he wrote on the furniture in PERMANENT marker! I still thank God for him every day, and I tried to enjoy every minute of my pregnancy, even though I did worry constantly. Okay, if I can just make to 12 weeks! Great! Now if I can just make it to 14 weeks... I'm sure you know what that's like.

I am SO thrilled for you that this is FINALLY working! I am praying for your little family. May God keep you safe. Here's to a VERY uneventful pregnancy. We'll get to the smooth, uncomplicated delivery in good time.

Hugs to you and your wee one :)

Nico said...

You wrote previously that you were considering a doppler - it sounds like a good idea to me. I think if you try it the first few times right before you go for an u/s so you can have immediate reassurance if you aren't able to find the h/b until you get good at it... then maybe a daily check will help you keep that worry a bay until you start feeling movements.

Because it's impossible to truly reason with worry!! glad you're giving it a shot though.

Anonymous said...

Hi. a lurker here. I stayed on progesterone for a long time - till about week 20. I weaned myself off very slowly by increasing the times between doses and using Excel (I am a geek). It was an obsession for me. My OB just laughed and said it did not make any difference and that I could stay on however long I wanted. But since low progesterone was suspected for my previous loss, I clung on to it. It helped with my stress (a bit).

I am wishing you all the best. I think you are doing great under all these circumstances. You are doing everything right. Keep hanging in.