Calmer...(For Now, Anyway)

You guys are awesome! I've been checking in on the comments all day, and they really do help make me feel better. I couldn't ask for better virtual hand-holders than all of you. :-)

The last time I saw any sort of spotting was that 4 a.m. trip to the restroom. There was a tiny little bit of staining around noon, but that looked like what I've been seeing for the past week, so I chalked it up to cervical/vaginal irritation.

I still haven't been quite as bloated today, and I haven't had some of the uterine sensations I've been having, but I keep trying to remind myself that I won't have every single symptom to the same degree every single day.

And, I think the morning sickness kicked in this morning. I felt a little bit of nausea yesterday morning, but I wasn't sure if it was the real thing or just nerves over beta #3. This morning, even though there was the spotting, I knew it wasn't nerves.

It was great - it lasted most of the day. Never have I been so thrilled to feel not well... :-) So I'm hoping for more of the same tomorrow morning.

I also keep trying to remind myself that in most of the other pregnancies where the end began with bleeding, the bleeding didn't stop once it started. There was only one other one (my first pregnancy) where I spotted on and off for about 5 days before it was clear that it wasn't just normal pregnancy spotting. So if the intermittent spotting continues, hopefully I'll become a little less uptight about it at some point.

On the other hand, I spoke last night with an IRL friend who has struggled with infertilty for longer than average and is now going to be delivering twins in a couple weeks. I'm changed things up this time and scheduled the appointment with her ob, who is a peri. (Apparently I'm hoping some of her luck rubs off...)

My friend told me that when it came time to get in the car and go to the first ultrasound, she told her husband she just couldn't do it - she was too afraid and anxious. He was able to coax her into the car, and then she said she stood there in the parking lot and couldn't bring herself to walk into the building. She eventually went inside, and then when she got on the u/s table, she cried and cried and cried - too hard for them to do the scan until she was able to calm down.

I said, "Oh, good, they've seen that before. So they won't be surprised if I do the exact same thing!"

The u/s is scheduled for Thursday, Aug. 11 - two weeks from tomorrow.

I made the appointment, I still have the appointment, but that is as far as I have allowed myself to come. The receptionist told me she would e-mail me a new patient packet that I need to fill out and that I also need to arrange to have records from RE and former OB sent over. I haven't received the e-mail, and I haven't called her to tell her that or called RE/former OB to get records sent over.

I'll get to the first part of next week and then see if I'm ready to take those steps. Just scheduling the appointment felt like a risk - I'm not yet up to anything more than that.

I could make it easier by going to the local RE who handles my monitoring. I'm already an established patient there, and I wouldn't have to get any records transferred. But somehow, I just don't want to.

When we walked out of the clinic after the transfer, I told myself that whichever way this goes, I am no longer an infertility patient for the foreseeable future. I won't totally rule out me doing another transfer at some point down the road, but not as our next step. So I guess I just don't want to hop back into the stirrups as an infertility patient with someone who was actually my very first RE in this whole process and has known me throughout the journey.

Apparently, I'd rather spread around to strangers the fun of dealing with the completely hysterical mess that tends to be me on ultrasound day...