July 25, 2011

Slowly Losing My Sanity

So, since it appears the HPT line has gotten as dark as it's going to get, do you think it's an unreasonable approach to start timing how quickly it gets dark as a measure of whether the beta is still rising or not?

I'm only half kidding.

I just did yet another HPT. (I believe this is #9.) Now I'm checking to make sure the line doesn't start to get more faint.

Once again, thank you for all of your supportive comments. You're what's keeping me still a semblance of sane right now.

Here's how the last 24 hours have gone:

I did some more research yesterday (surprise, I know!) and found a lot of places that said 48-72 hours is a normal doubling rate. I read, and re-read, and re-read all of your comments.

I start to feel better.

I get an email from my regular nurse this morning: "Congratulations!! So far, I think it looks fine..."

I feel better still.

I can't leave well enough alone.

I e-mail her back: "So you don't think it's a problem that it didn't double?" She responds: "Yes, if it had doubled it would be a better sign..." She went on to say it was still a "normal increase" and that the first beta was "very good".

I fixate on "if it had doubled, it would be a better sign".

Hope fades.

The day progresses. I don't have any spotting.

Hope starts to rise again.

Then I start to worry that perhaps the lack of spotting is a bad sign. (Only in my completely screwed up brain, I know...)

Hope fades.

I realize that I am having to go to the bathroom more than usual today. This is usually a good sign for me.

I start to feel more encouraged.

Reading an article online, I come across a reference to a book called 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food. It's written to help emotional eaters. I'm doing pretty well at not doing a lot of emotional eating, I lie to myself (as I'm eating a bowl of cookies n cream frozen yogurt). I check out the book on Amazon to see what kinds of reviews it gets.

Some achey, not quite crampy, feelings begin. I start to get the physical feelings I get when I'm about to start my period. I remind myself that I had those same feelings at the beginning of the last week, too.

I hope that this is a good sign. I worry that it's not.

I decide to check to see if there is any bleeding and do another HPT. (The last one I have in the house.)

There is no bleeding, no spotting.

The line comes up on the HPT faster than it ever has - a lot faster than the control line. (This is when the stopwatch test idea enters my mind.)

I look at the line. Ok, it's dark, but it's not quite as dark as the last one I did. I can't remember exactly when I did the last one. Maybe Saturday morning.

I think maybe not enough time has passed. After all, it's only been about 20 seconds.

I write this post.

I go back to check on the test. It turns out, the line can get even darker. But the control line on this one is a lot fainter than the control line on the last one. This one and the last one are out of the same box, shouldn't the control line be similar between the two?

Still, I can't help it - hope rises a little bit that maybe this darkest yet line means that everything is still on track.

Beta #3 (and a repeat progesterone, at my insistence, even though the last one was fine) will be tomorrow morning. (Silver - the first two draws were at 8:30 a.m. This one is scheduled for 8:15. But I appreciated the idea you had... :-) ) I will ask them not to call until the end of the day, because I have meetings all day.

I need to buy the 50 Ways book - I have to figure out a way to keep my sanity in check.

I hope R hasn't eaten the last of the fro yo.


Sue said...

I absolutely know how you feel! However my nurse at CCRM was like, your beta DOES NOT need to double for this to be normal (and she is now a head nurse there...so has been there for years). They just look for a 72 hour doubling time! She said that it makes NO DIFFERENCE! - it just depends on the person and the baby. I had some cramping this time and with DD only after my betas too...almost period like cramping, though milder (my PMS used to be awfully painful). I am going to remain very optimistic for you. And I will say...this is going to be one hell of a roller coaster ride.

Oh...and no, the darkness of the line will totally mess with you. I think I took over 30 hpts with DD and probably about 18-20 this time around...until I realized I was being excessive. I obsessed about how fast the line was coming up and how dark it was and noticed that even if from same package, they differ sometimes. Very very annoying. However, those beautiful dark lines never ceased to comfort me at least a little bit. Its a small price to pay for a little comfort now. Hugs!

SLESE1014 said...

My third beta didn't quite double, but it was still a good increase. My 9th or 10th HPT the control line was barely visible and the positive line was as dark as it could be. My husband threatened to leave me if I took any more HPTs. We were spending decent money on the blood tests so why bother with the HPTs he said. I stressed and stressed. Until my first ultrasound, then until my second...and third and so on...I'm now 18+5weeks and I'm still stressing. In a little over 2 weeks we have another ultra sound.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hoping your next beta is just beautiful and your ultrasound shows good things.

MyTwoLines said...

Oi I wrote this whole long comment and lost it! What I was saying is this: while I don't have personal experience with this I certainly have read lots of people agonizing over those lines and how fast they come up and what I seem to recall is that the dye in the test trip governs quite a bit so don't worry about anything other than the fact that it's a nice line that comes up quick--that is awesome! And as far as the eating, I say: eat what you want, pamper yourself right now, for heaven's sake you deserve a break!

Anna said...

What a rollercoaster!!! Hang in there, I am so prying for you guys. I so very much want this to work, it's impossible not to get your hopes up. Everything is crossed. I hope all your meetings go well today,and I'll look for an update later... xoxoxo

Kate said...

The control line does get fainter as the other line gets darker. Sure sounds like your beta's still rising nicely. A IF friend from my clinic had a beta that was low and didn't double, and her daughter is over 1.5 years old now. Don't get too caught up in numbers!

KT said...

Here from the Creme....

Ahh the crazy thoughts that rush around in your brain when trying to get pregnant. If I told my husband half the things that go on in my head he would for sure leave me!

Congrats on the pregnancy!