Slowly Losing My Sanity

So, since it appears the HPT line has gotten as dark as it's going to get, do you think it's an unreasonable approach to start timing how quickly it gets dark as a measure of whether the beta is still rising or not?

I'm only half kidding.

I just did yet another HPT. (I believe this is #9.) Now I'm checking to make sure the line doesn't start to get more faint.

Once again, thank you for all of your supportive comments. You're what's keeping me still a semblance of sane right now.

Here's how the last 24 hours have gone:

I did some more research yesterday (surprise, I know!) and found a lot of places that said 48-72 hours is a normal doubling rate. I read, and re-read, and re-read all of your comments.

I start to feel better.

I get an email from my regular nurse this morning: "Congratulations!! So far, I think it looks fine..."

I feel better still.

I can't leave well enough alone.

I e-mail her back: "So you don't think it's a problem that it didn't double?" She responds: "Yes, if it had doubled it would be a better sign..." She went on to say it was still a "normal increase" and that the first beta was "very good".

I fixate on "if it had doubled, it would be a better sign".

Hope fades.

The day progresses. I don't have any spotting.

Hope starts to rise again.

Then I start to worry that perhaps the lack of spotting is a bad sign. (Only in my completely screwed up brain, I know...)

Hope fades.

I realize that I am having to go to the bathroom more than usual today. This is usually a good sign for me.

I start to feel more encouraged.

Reading an article online, I come across a reference to a book called 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food. It's written to help emotional eaters. I'm doing pretty well at not doing a lot of emotional eating, I lie to myself (as I'm eating a bowl of cookies n cream frozen yogurt). I check out the book on Amazon to see what kinds of reviews it gets.

Some achey, not quite crampy, feelings begin. I start to get the physical feelings I get when I'm about to start my period. I remind myself that I had those same feelings at the beginning of the last week, too.

I hope that this is a good sign. I worry that it's not.

I decide to check to see if there is any bleeding and do another HPT. (The last one I have in the house.)

There is no bleeding, no spotting.

The line comes up on the HPT faster than it ever has - a lot faster than the control line. (This is when the stopwatch test idea enters my mind.)

I look at the line. Ok, it's dark, but it's not quite as dark as the last one I did. I can't remember exactly when I did the last one. Maybe Saturday morning.

I think maybe not enough time has passed. After all, it's only been about 20 seconds.

I write this post.

I go back to check on the test. It turns out, the line can get even darker. But the control line on this one is a lot fainter than the control line on the last one. This one and the last one are out of the same box, shouldn't the control line be similar between the two?

Still, I can't help it - hope rises a little bit that maybe this darkest yet line means that everything is still on track.

Beta #3 (and a repeat progesterone, at my insistence, even though the last one was fine) will be tomorrow morning. (Silver - the first two draws were at 8:30 a.m. This one is scheduled for 8:15. But I appreciated the idea you had... :-) ) I will ask them not to call until the end of the day, because I have meetings all day.

I need to buy the 50 Ways book - I have to figure out a way to keep my sanity in check.

I hope R hasn't eaten the last of the fro yo.