August 24, 2011

Chant With Me

Thou shall not get thy hopes up too high.

Thou shall not get thy hopes up too high.

Thou shall not get thy hopes up too high.

A couple days ago, it was a constant repetition of "Please, please, please let there still be a heartbeat." I swing back and forth like that. Right now I've been feeling nauseous for several hours, so I'm back to "Thou shall not...", trying to keep hope in check.

If there is a heartbeat on Friday (9w0d), it will be a new milestone for us. The furthest along we've ever been when seeing a heartbeat was 8w1d, four years ago this month.

I did well for about 3 1/2 days after the last ultrasound. I didn't have a lot of symptoms on Sunday, but after being a constant shade of green on Friday and Saturday, I was kind of okay with that. But only for a day.

So when there were still no symptoms on Monday, I started to get nervous again. Then it occurred to me that during the pregnancy four years ago, the ob thought the baby likely died within a few days after that 8w1d ultrasound. I realized that I was at 8w3d - a few days after 8w1d - and the nervousness escalated to anxiety.

On top of that, I noticed vaginal discharge that was different than anything else I've experienced so far (I'll spare you the details) after all the fiber I'd been eating finally took effect.

I caved and called the peri's office.

I love that place. They are all so nice and understanding. The nurse called me back and reassured me that everything sounded perfectly normal.

Still not very many symptoms yesterday, still very nervous. Then this morning I started feeling nauseous about 15 minutes before a major phone presentation I was giving (from bed, involving about a dozen people from our largest client, with my mom huddled in her bedroom with the dogs, me praying they would stay quiet and not give away the fact that I'm at home). I figured it was just nerves about the call, though, especially since it went away after the call was over.

But then it came back again late this afternoon, and it's stuck with me. Which makes me slightly green again, but happy nonetheless.

And trying desperately to keep hope reigned in.

P.S. Thank you all for the comments and ideas on fighting the morning sickness on my last post. And a special thank you here (since I don't think you have a blog) to A for delurking. :-)


jenrcg said...

Urrggh I hate that you're still stuck on this endless emotional rollercoaster, you deserve a break. I was an emotional wreck for the first 9 weeks of my pregnancy… my symptoms used to come and go every few days, I would start to feel them fading, then panic would set in, followed by a good 2 or 3 days of no pregnancy symptoms whatsoever, then suddenly I would wake up one day feeling pregnant again. Every time it happened I was convinced I was miscarrying… in the end I couldn’t speak for 4 hours before my first ultrasound, I was so convinced they were going to give me bad news. And yet through it all there was absolutely nothing wrong and I now have a healthy 20 month old running round to prove it. I hope you can take some comfort, and dare I say it hope, from the commenters who’ve been through the same thing and come out the other side with a healthy baby, although I know it’s not always that easy. For me at least it did get easier with each new milestone that we reached, and I hope it will be the same for you. Good luck for tomorrow, will be thinking of you, love Jen xxx

Sue said...

One more day! I keep thinking today is your ultrasound! Okay, one more day! I have everything crossed for you. I am so happy things are now moving along...just a few more weeks and you are out of the dreaded first tri! Has CCRM already started weaning you? b/c that is just more stress!!!! But, when you get to 13 weeks and you are on NO MEDS anymore, it does feel like things are looking up. It is really hard not to start getting excited! I hate the MS but it is a great sign!!!!

Mrs. Mocha said...

I am praying for you! ~ I was sick with my (now) 10 month old son for 37 weeks. And even though it sucked to be nauseous, it was my confirmation that I was till pregnant, so I can TOTALLY relate.~ Sending 'good vibes" and well-wishes your way. One more day, and you'll be able to finally exhale.

MyTwoLines said...

I will not join in the chant :) I have high hopes for you so I just can't...! But I understand YOUR need to temper your hope, but that's why we're here, to hold the hope for you. But your nausea sounds so reassuring!

Libby said...

Hope is a fickle thing, dang it :( We'll all be hoping for good news from your ultrasound tomorrow. Then you'll need to find a new chant, k? ; )

MrsSpock said...

Hope everything went OK today!