August 26, 2011

In New Territory

Heart rate 182 (up from 167), Kiddo measuring 8w6d, which the peri said is fine even though today is actually 9w0d.

So, this is a new milestone - the furthest we've ever gotten with a heartbeat before is 8w1d.

With the first three ultrasounds, I felt a huge relief as soon as we saw the heartbeat, and I was so incredibly happy for a few days after. (Well, 12 hours in the case of the first ultrasound, since I started bleeding a lot again the day after that one.)

The odd thing is, I don't feel that way this time.

Of course, there was relief as soon as the tech said there was a heartbeat. (I still refuse to look at the screen until the heartbeat is announced.) But now, I just feel mostly...terrified.

I don't know what to do in this place. I don't know what to expect from here, what it's supposed to feel like, how it's supposed to go.

With all of our other pregnancies that got to the point of ultrasound, there was always just an oddly shaped gestational sac, or in the case of pregnancy number four, something that looked like a large white grain of rice, with kind of a large end (the head) on the 8w1d u/s. The ob's office just had a regular-resolution ultrasound machine.

I've been thrilled that the peri's office has such a high-resolution machine that makes it easier to see things. And it is pretty cool.

But.

But - this week there was very clearly a head. There are little leg buds and little arm buds. And a torso. He/she wiggled.

Kiddo is not just a large white grain of rice anymore. This time, the ultrasound tech typed "Baby" on the screen where Kiddo is for the pictures she printed out for us. Up until this point, it's always been "Embryo".

I've been attached to and grieved every one of the seven babies we've lost. I've felt the loss, even of the second one, which I realized on a Sunday I was pregnant, we got the faintest of faint lines on Monday morning, the beta that morning turned out to be 5, and I was bleeding by 2 p.m., so I barely even had a chance to realize I was pregnant before it was over.

But this, this would be a whole other kind of loss, a whole other kind of grieving if it were to end badly. And each week, it becomes more so.

So, like I said, terrified.

But on the bright side, the peri really understands. She said if I need to come in more than once a week for reassurance, that's totally fine. She's had some patients who came in every day for ultrasounds for a while, until they got to a point where they started to feel more comfortable. R's head shot up when she said that - I think he was trying to figure out how on earth he'd shuffle work meetings every day if I decided to go that route. :-)

I think I'm going to try to stick with once a week appointments, because if there's bad news, I'd just rather get it at the end of the week than the beginning. But if I start to stress, I may take them up on extra ultrasounds.

I need to go get progesterone/estrogen drawn for RE, and his nurse mentioned that I'll probably start weaning based on those results. I'm going to ask her to let me wean a little slower than usual, because I can only imagine how freaked out that will make me.

I'm trying to be hopeful that my body can work correctly without the extra meds. The peri asked if I'd started getting headaches this week, and I have. She said that's usually a sign of the placenta's hormone production kicking in.

So add headaches to the list of things I hope to keep having, in addition to nausea and stretchy feelings...

11 comments:

MrsSpock said...

So glad baby is OK! And your peri is awesome!

Silver said...

Eep! So happy to read this news - it IS scary - but it also has its wonderful moments.

A said...

Yay for dancing baby! It is so wonderful & surreal to see an actual being on that u/s screen- and understandably terrifying on a whole other level :)

endoandbeyond said...

just reading your blog posts and so happy about your latest ultrasound. also, SO AMAZING that they offered extra ultrasounds, how supportive. exciting times!

Nico said...

This is excellent new territory to be in!

i have never heard of headaches = placenta taking over progesterone production before. Interesting!

In my previous pg when I have been on progesterone I've been told it's okay to stop at 10 weeks (supposedly the placenta takes over production at 8-9) but I've kept on taking it until 12, slowly decreasing the amount (e.g. going from 1 suppository a day to every two days, then every 3, then I stopped). Made me feel better to do it that way.

Sue said...

That is awesome!!! Honestly, each week you see a HB, the baby is more and more likely to stick around. At this point, you are getting to MUCH safer ground. That being said, it is scary!!! At this point with DD (actually probably a week ago..at 8 weeks or so) I had already ordered a home doppler and was daily finding a HB...b/c it was so scary and I needed to know. So, I understand. They said I wouldn't find a HB with the doppler until 12 weeks, but I was finding them from 8w4d b/c I was so persistent:-) Anyway...hang in there. This is totally new and uncharted territory and it is AMAZING! Sending good thoughts and prayers your way!

And, I am with you on the once a week thing...sometimes it makes it more stressful to go more frequently. It is not like they can do anything at this point, so try to have faith that your body is doing what it should. And, you will be surprised when you start weaning that your body really does know what to do...even after all the infertility crap its been through.

MyTwoLines said...

This is fabulous news! I'm glad you have a great perinatologist and while I'm sure each new phase is terrifying, it's probably also a little thrilling and here's hoping the thrilling at least balances out some of the terror.

Rachie Pachie said...

So very glad to read this update. And your peri does sound awesome!! How nice to have a physician that not only understands, but CARES!

I can understand the fear. I hope that as each day passes, a little bit of that fear goes away & is replaced by excitement & hope.

SLESE1014 said...

Such wonderful news!!! Keeping you in my prayers....

Anna said...

What a relief! So glad things are progressing as they should. One never knows... Here's praying and keeping everything crossed :)

Libby said...

I don't know how I missed this post, but I am excited for you! Arm buds, leg buds...just wonderful! I would be worried too considering your past losses, but this is VERY encouraging progress! Try to hang in there :)