More Ups, More Downs, and Trying to Surrender

I know I can be melodramatic sometimes. Apparently, posting at 4 a.m. after looking at toilet paper covered in a color I don't want to see exacerbates that tendancy.

This pregnancy is continuing to be a total rollercoaster. I'm trying really hard to just surrender to it and accept that other than bedrest, injections, pills, suppositories, and patches, there's nothing more I can do - it's out of my control.

Of course, there are some times it's easier to accept that than others.

I honestly did not expect the bright red bleeding to stop. However, I decided I wouldn't stop any meds until told to do so. There was still bright red when I was going to put in this morning's suppository. I figured since my levels are low, putting in two couldn't hurt anything, so I did.

And the bleeding slowed way down and turned brown. And I stuck in another (basically, my whole day's dosage by 11 a.m.) since I wouldn't be able to get the PIO for another few hours.

And then even the brown almost completely stopped. And then R picked up the PIO and helped me with the first injection.

And then a couple hours later there was bright red again, although less than there was at 4 a.m. And now I'm back to brown.

Clearly I have no idea what the heck is going on. And, obviously, neither does my body.

I spoke to the RI's office this morning and explained that since I'm on suppositories, RE says anything above 5 is fine. They were very emphatic that they didn't agree with that, that I should have been put on PIO a week ago, and that they think the progesterone level may cost us an otherwise possibly viable pregnancy.

However, I'm not sure what to think. I know the three suppositories a day is the standard protocol RE uses, and clearly he has a lot of patients (including several of you, I realize) who are very successful with that.

I also know that all the PIO in the world won't save a pregnancy that is going to end for reasons other than low progesterone - I've lost pregnancies completely while still on full dosages of PIO and E2 injections.

RE's nurse still says she doesn't think this is out of the ordinary, and she isn't "overly concerned." Nevertheless, she still sent over orders to have progesterone and estrogen retested on Friday. I need to ask to have another beta added to that. She also sent over the ultrasound order (at my request), but I'm not sure I'm going to do it. I know it's too early to see a heartbeat, and I think I want to see what direction the HCG is going first.

Mostly, though, I'm just chicken, afraid to face that ultrasound screen.

I can't believe I'm only 5w4d today (Tuesday) and that we're still 9 days away from the first scheduled ultrasound. (Well, technically we should be 6 days away at this point since I could do it as early as next Monday if I wanted.) It feels like we've been dealing with this up-and-down pattern for a month already. At the same time, it feels like Aug. 11 is still an eternity away.

Assuming there are no bad-news betas between now and then.