In New Territory

Heart rate 182 (up from 167), Kiddo measuring 8w6d, which the peri said is fine even though today is actually 9w0d.

So, this is a new milestone - the furthest we've ever gotten with a heartbeat before is 8w1d.

With the first three ultrasounds, I felt a huge relief as soon as we saw the heartbeat, and I was so incredibly happy for a few days after. (Well, 12 hours in the case of the first ultrasound, since I started bleeding a lot again the day after that one.)

The odd thing is, I don't feel that way this time.

Of course, there was relief as soon as the tech said there was a heartbeat. (I still refuse to look at the screen until the heartbeat is announced.) But now, I just feel mostly...terrified.

I don't know what to do in this place. I don't know what to expect from here, what it's supposed to feel like, how it's supposed to go.

With all of our other pregnancies that got to the point of ultrasound, there was always just an oddly shaped gestational sac, or in the case of pregnancy number four, something that looked like a large white grain of rice, with kind of a large end (the head) on the 8w1d u/s. The ob's office just had a regular-resolution ultrasound machine.

I've been thrilled that the peri's office has such a high-resolution machine that makes it easier to see things. And it is pretty cool.

But.

But - this week there was very clearly a head. There are little leg buds and little arm buds. And a torso. He/she wiggled.

Kiddo is not just a large white grain of rice anymore. This time, the ultrasound tech typed "Baby" on the screen where Kiddo is for the pictures she printed out for us. Up until this point, it's always been "Embryo".

I've been attached to and grieved every one of the seven babies we've lost. I've felt the loss, even of the second one, which I realized on a Sunday I was pregnant, we got the faintest of faint lines on Monday morning, the beta that morning turned out to be 5, and I was bleeding by 2 p.m., so I barely even had a chance to realize I was pregnant before it was over.

But this, this would be a whole other kind of loss, a whole other kind of grieving if it were to end badly. And each week, it becomes more so.

So, like I said, terrified.

But on the bright side, the peri really understands. She said if I need to come in more than once a week for reassurance, that's totally fine. She's had some patients who came in every day for ultrasounds for a while, until they got to a point where they started to feel more comfortable. R's head shot up when she said that - I think he was trying to figure out how on earth he'd shuffle work meetings every day if I decided to go that route. :-)

I think I'm going to try to stick with once a week appointments, because if there's bad news, I'd just rather get it at the end of the week than the beginning. But if I start to stress, I may take them up on extra ultrasounds.

I need to go get progesterone/estrogen drawn for RE, and his nurse mentioned that I'll probably start weaning based on those results. I'm going to ask her to let me wean a little slower than usual, because I can only imagine how freaked out that will make me.

I'm trying to be hopeful that my body can work correctly without the extra meds. The peri asked if I'd started getting headaches this week, and I have. She said that's usually a sign of the placenta's hormone production kicking in.

So add headaches to the list of things I hope to keep having, in addition to nausea and stretchy feelings...