May 19, 2010

It's Officially Over

Today's beta was 45, so it was only up 2 from Monday. No big surprise there.

The nurse didn't say much, other than that she had thought this cycle would work for us. Yeah, well, REs, nurses, and financial coordinators have been thinking that for seven years.

I scheduled a follow up with RE for tomorrow afternoon, and I also asked the nurse to have the surrogacy coordinator call me. We will probably try one more time with me if we can, but I have a feeling it's time to start looking for a uterus to borrow.

Thank you all for the support and kind words.

Oh, and I thought of Upside #11 while I was in the shower this morning - no more having to scrub my skin raw to get the sticky estrogen patch residue off.

Oh, and one more thing. My mother is not speaking to me. Instead of just simply saying "I'm so sorry, I wish there was something I could do", she started a conversation with me this morning that began with "Aside from you and R, I'm the one most impacted by all this. This is really upsetting to me, and I'm really hurting because of this, too..." (This, after last Friday she implied that perhaps we're not having any luck because we're not praying enough or not praying correctly.)

After she said that this morning, I told her I didn't want to talk about it, but she kept pushing. Finally I just had to walk away while she was still talking to me, so now she says she's just not going to talk to me any more. Ever again.

Fine by me. She's been diagnosed by a psychologist (who she saw) as having narcissistic personality disorder, and another one (mine, who hasn't seen her but has heard the stories) also suggested it was NPD without me mentioning she'd already been diagnosed as such. So I know that part of it is just who she is, but frankly, I don't have the energy to even care.


lastchanceivf said...

Oh Rebecca. I am just so sorry. I hate that you are going through this. When is it enough?? When??

As far as your uterus...I know I'm always crowing about doing the uterine biopsy in the cycle pre-transfer--have you read the research on this? It seems to sometimes help those with repeated implantation failure of good embryos.

GAH on your Mom. Seriously? The prayer thing? Okkkkkkkaaayy I'm offended by that statement and I don't know your mom. Geez.

Thinking of you and hoping you can feel a little better with some chocolate and alcohol or whatever...but knowing it doesn't even scratch the surface.

Sue said...

Oh wow. I'm so sorry! Not only about the 45 but also about the mother with NPD. Mine has it too. I don't write too much about it but it is VERY hard to deal with and several months ago I sought out a therapist to try to deal with some of it. It is so hard to get used to the idea of someone who basically stopped growing emotionally at the age of 6. Seriously, if you ever need to talk about this aspect, email me. It is so hard to go through something like this and then it is so much worse to have the person who is supposed to be all about you and your struggles once again point out that EVERYTHING is about them. If its any consolation (I doubt it is), you know with NPD, she will likely pretend that conversation never happened and you'll be speaking to her within the week.

About the borrowed uterus. First, I know that if you decide to cycle again with your own, you know in some ways it will be an easier cycle and in others, it will be harder. You will be that much closer to a surrogate and you know very well that you will approach it assuming you will have a BFN. Its just how we all start to think after too many BFNs or chemicals or miscarriages. Just know this...if you do have surrogate, I know you will probably feel jealous during her pregnancy b/c I would too, but once you get that baby (YOUR baby), all of this will (never disappear but...) fade to gray. Even the fact that you didn't carry will start to fade away and become the least important thing in the world.

Kate said...

So sorry. And about your Mom too. Noy what you need yo deal with right now.

Silver said...

Crap, crap, crap, CRAP! There's nothing much more to say about it. And your mother - unbelievable! Way to be supportive.

I'm assuming you been through the donor egg discussion and decided against it for a reason. After 7 years and 6 losses myself, I am waving that particular flag right now - it seems my eggs were rubbish.

Sending hugs.

Libby said...

I only recently found your blog, but I SO feel for your journey. I'm sorry this time isn't working out.

Our next step was also going to be surrogacy, but now we're told we have crappy embryos. I say if your heart is ready to go that route, consider it sooner rather than later. Maybe a year between our IVFs 3 & 4 was too long.

Sorry about your mom too. Been there, done that with my MIL.

Anyway, take care. Hoping your next attempt is the best attempt.

Polly Gamwich said...

I'm so incredibly sorry. I'm so angry for you :(

Big hugs,

kayjay said...

I'm so sorry that you did not get better news. I had so hoped that things would be different and turn out not as expected for once. As for you Mom, I can't stand that she implied that you weren't praying correctly. What does she have - a direct phone line up there or something so that she thinks she can tell you you're doing it wrong? No such thing as praying wrong. Ridiculous. I'm sorry she made you feel that way. I have no experience with NPD but can only imagine how awful it is to deal with and I can't believe that she said that it was hurting *her* the most aside from you two. This is not about's about you two and it's a real shame that she doesn't get it and can't offer you the support that you need right now. For what it's worth, we're here for you.

mara said...

This just sucks. And dealing with your mom on top of it - just obviously not what you need. I'm so sorry. I hope you can feel better soon too, but know it will take time.

Take care. I'm so sorry about this.

Patience said...

I am so sorry to hear all you've been through. Thanks for commenting on my blog as well.

I am so sorry about your mom. Also right there with you. I haven't spoken to mine since Christmas for similar issues. It is so very hard to deal with that on top of dealing with a IF. It seems that you and I might just be living parallel lives. :(

Thinking of you... and thanks again for posting on my blog.

MrsSpock said...

Oh crap. Personality disorders are usually pretty recalcitrant, even with therapy and/or meds. I had 3 clients with BPD when I worked mental health, and they were very difficult.

How terribly self-centered of your mother.

Do you read Kym's blog, I'm a SMart One? I think she is looking for the next intended family...

Mo and Will said...


I'm so so sorry for your loss. And I'm also sorry you have to deal with a difficult mother on top of this. Thinking of you. Mo

Carrie said...

I'm so sorry honey. About all of it. :(

(I'm totally relating to your mom's NPD right now though. Just realized that my friend of 25 years most definitely has that as well... especially after finding out she purposefully hunted down my anonymous infertility blog and then proceeded to take everything I ever said about fertiles as a personal attack against her. Awesome, no? Obviously not as life shattering as your mom, but you have to do what's best for you so if that means walking away from that relationship, so be it.

Nic said...

I don't have much to add to what the others have said. Just that I continue to think of you and DH.

And your mom, seriously? I'm really sorry that you're dealing with all this shit without her support. I wish that too were different. xox.