May 13, 2010

Looking on the Bright Side

You'd think by now I'd be prepared for this kind of news. I spent a few minutes freaking out one of our dogs by holding onto her and sobbing into her fur coat. The poor thing usually sticks right by me, but by the time that was over, she fled with a rather confused and wildly panicked look in her eyes.

And then, since I figure there will be plenty of time for a wailing, whiny, self-pitying post soon enough if the situation doesn't improve, I decided to focus on the bright side for now.

So here's my Top 10 List of the Upsides to This Ending in Miscarriage. (Keeping in mind that the difference between "bright side" and "dark humor" is a very fine - or should I say faint? - line at this point...)

Without further ado:

10. I can pick things up without first having to contemplate whether they weigh less than 10 pounds.

9. The ugly yellow-purple telltale Lo.venox blotches on my stomach should disappear in, oh, two or three months.

8. I can be kind of weird about numbers, in a slightly OCD way. This would be m/c number 6 - a nice, even number. An even half dozen.

7. I can blow my nose without R worrying about me using stomach muscles.

6. I can focus on losing more weight, to reduce my risk of pre-eclampsia and hopefully be able to stay under 200 pounds even at full term. Funny the things I worry about when I can't even manage to stay pregnant for 5 minutes, much less 5 months...

5. I can take a second class this summer, because if I'm not incubating, it doesn't matter so much if I spend 12 weeks doing nothing but working, sleeping, and studying. Though I don't know if I could also cram any sort of meaningful weight loss in, so that may merit additional consideration.

4. The dry spell is over. (Even if I wasn't all messy with suppository goo, there's no way we risk sex while I'm incubating.)

3. Caffeine, here I come. Frappucinos, Pepsi, Cherry Coke, and chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate. Actually, I got a head start on this one - there is a pan of brownies cooling on the counter as I type.

2. I will be able to fit into all those clothes I just bought for longer than the next two months. (Well, I suppose this depends on how much chocolate from Upside #3 is involved...)

1. It's an excuse to get dressed up and go out somewhere where I can wear the sexy, strappy shoes I will rarely have an occasion to wear. Because nothing says celebration like yet another miscarriage.

(Mo, perhaps there's a postcard somewhere in that last sentiment?)


Kate said...

Ugh. So sorry it sounds like a chemical. They suck!

Sue said...

I have heard of such numbers on occasion still working...but I won't bore you with that. I HATE this. I will pray that this turns around, but I know you have to mentally prepare for the worst. F-ing bright side.

lastchanceivf said...

OK I like your sense of humor, but SO WISHING you weren't having to make that damn list.

And the image of you sobbing with your dog--kills me. I am just so sorry--you deserve better than this.

Baby bump bound said...

I am so sorry!

Silver said...

I'm so sorry you're in this place but I'm glad you have a canine support group on hand - they're the best when you're feeling miserable. I actually went for an appointment with a new fertility clinic when I was having miscarriage number 6 - I think it shocked them a little when they wanted to do bloods and I told them I was pregnant right then. But like you, I was trying to find the bright side somewhere.

MrsSpock said...

I really hope this becomes the Little Embryo That Could.

kayjay said...

It's Saturday and while I admire your determination to look at the bright side, I know how stressful repeat beta day is. Thinking of you and hoping that you'll have good news today.