May 19, 2010

There is Blood

Perhaps I shouldn't have said in my last post that there hasn't been "even a speck of spotting"...

I got up at 1:30 this morning to go to the bathroom. I wiped. I totally did not expect blood. I gasped, because there it was - and not just a speck, either. It looks like the beginning of CD1, and there was even a little bit in the toilet, along with a tiny little clot.

Please don't say lots of women spot or bleed during early pregnancy. I know, because I'm one of them. And every single time, it has marked the beginning of the end.

I'm sitting on the floor of my closet typing this, so that I don't disturb R. I want to throw myself on the ground and cry, wail, have a tantrum, but the emotion won't come. I'm numb inside - there have been a few tears, but no sobbing.

We've failed. At the place that is supposed to be the holy grail. At the place that is supposed to be our last (and best) shot.

I was going to get up early, go to a lab near my office, then go in to work for most of the day. Instead, I will be showing up at a lab near my house, without even showering first, and attempt not to cry during the draw. (I didn't even tell you guys about how I completely lost it during Saturday's draw when the phlebotomy tech started complaining about how she was tired of being pregnant and is annoyed that she still has five more months to go. I will be going to a different location today.)

Then I will come back home, get on an 8 a.m. call for a big, very visible project that I was assigned yesterday, and then cancel the rest of my meetings for the day and await the call with the number, probably while downing copious amounts of sugary desserts alternating with fried foods.

But, because hope is a **tch this way, this time I will not take off the patches or skip any doses until I'm told to. Because, you know, maybe just maybe the number will still be good. Ha.


lastchanceivf said...

I'm so sorry.
And the image of you holding it together while wanting to wail is just heartbreaking.
I don't understand the unfairness of this.
I'm just so sorry.

Sue said...

I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say...I hope this is wrong but I understand that you know your body better than that. I completely and absolutely hate this. And, I hate that phlebotomist too.

Kate said...

So sorry to hear this. This sounds like miscarriage #2 for me. Stayed off work with my feet up for a few days watching my beta continue to double while I bled like stink. It hit 500, then fell. Crappy all around. Wish you weren't in a simiar situation.

Anna said...

Oh, I am so sorry. Words fail. I can only offer you digital hugs and chocolate. Hang in there. xoxox

Hopeful Mother said...

I'm so sorry.

MrsSpock said...

Oh shit. So sorry :(

Mo and Will said...

Rebecca, this just completely stinks and is so unfair. my heart goes out to you.


Silver said...

I know there's nothing I can say that'll make you feel better - I am sending you a huge hug through the ether.

mara said...

Shit. I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could say. I'm just so sorry.

Hope is a b*tch.